Why Do People Think of Marriage as Hard Work?by Courtney Mroch | More from this Blogger 08 Dec 2008 03:51 PM Or another way of looking at it is: why do people expect marriage should be easy? I've been thinking about this a lot the last few days. It started the other day when I was in the checkout lane at Target and couldn't help but overhear the conversation behind me. It was between a mother and daughter. I don't remember what sparked it, but at one point the daughter said, "I don't even know if I will get married. I'm not sure I want the hassle." To which the mom said, "Good for you. Question it. If I had it to do all over again I wouldn't have gotten married at your age. You're so young and you have a lot of living left to do." A lot of living left to do? What, do you die when you get married? I had to see how old this person was. As I loaded my bags into my cart, I snuck a glimpse at the mother and daughter. The daughter was young, but not that young. I'd say mid-twenties. It wasn't like she was 16 or 18. Once I was out of the store, I regretted I hadn't had anything clever to say like, "Yeah, marriage closes some doors, but it also opens others. If you marry the right man you'll never regret it or care that those doors are shut." It's bothered me ever since. But then last night on the Amazing Race one of the contestants said something else that made me think why that daughter might feel the way she did. Tina and Ken came in second on the show, but they were racing for more than a million dollars anyway. Their marriage was on the line. Ken had been unfaithful to Tina and they had separated. They did the race in part to see if they could make things work out. Once they hit the finish line, Ken pulled out their rings that they hadn't worn since they'd separated and asked Tina to give them another shot. She said yes, then afterwards she had a little bit more to say. "People do change. So much today people just throw marriages away so quickly, without really working hard at them. I've tried to hold onto the fact that, at Kenny's core, he is a great person and he has so many wonderful qualities. I think he's shown me on the race that I'm important to him; our marriage is important to him." What do you think of when you hear "hard work?" I think of toiling in a field for 15 hours a day under the hot sun picking vegetables with my bare hands or something. I don't think of marriage as "work." It's not always easy, no, but work? Work's not fun. If that's what that girl in the Target checkout lane is associating marriage with, no wonder she doesn't want to do it. Marriage requires attention and devotion, patience and understanding. It's not all about one person or the other. It's about people coming together to better each other. It's not about what you give up, but all that you get in return. Related Articles Tossing Out the Marriage Guidebook - What Every Couple Needs to Know Courtney Mroch writes about animals great and small in Pets and the harmony and strife that encompasses married life in Marriage. For a full listing of her articles click here. Learn more about Courtney Mroch  Courtney Mroch is a wife, a proud pet parent, and a writer. She's been with her husband, high school sweetheart Wayne Pryor, over 20 years, married 11 of those. She's "mom" to Mr. Meow, a.k. Relevantmarriage tags User Comments Samual (11722) 08 Dec 2008 03:55 PMWhat I don't get is when you have a couple that have been together a decent amount of time , 5-6 years plus then get married but its too hard work. The only difference between a marriage and relationship is a ring on your finger and a piece of paper you can either never find or is up on your wall. I really can't grasp why some people suddenly destroy their relationship once they get married.  Jade Walker (964) 09 Dec 2008 09:59 AMI think where you and I part ways is on the definition of 'work.' As a workaholic, and someone who loves her chosen profession, work is a pleasurable experience. It's also tiring, exhilarating, troubling, enlightening, frustrating and freeing. I imagine my future marriage will be the same way. As for the 20-something, her mother is right. She is too young to wed. People who consider marriage a hassle aren't ready for it. She needs to figure out who she is before she even thinks about sharing her life with someone else. And, if she's lucky enough to find the right person, perhaps then the hassle will be worth it.  Courtney Mroch (9169) 09 Dec 2008 10:48 AMI don't understand why people freak out once they're "officially" married and fall apart as a couple either Samual. Especially when they've been together for quite a while before that. Never had understood that. And I don't disagree the 20-something isn't ready for marriage yet either, Jade. She sounded way too immature and selfish to be ready for a relationship. As for the work thing...I'll just agree to disagree. I see your point, and while I don't find all work daunting or dreadful and do find pleasure in it, I still think people put a mostly negative connotation on it when they say "marriage is hard work." mysgemini (10) 16 Jan 2009 04:34 PMit's an famous quote. marriage is journey, but living together is the killer! JohnSmith (20) 27 Feb 2009 03:46 AM"Work" may not be the right word. I think "effort" would be a better word. A marriage requires "effort". Marriage is like a garden and plants in a garden require care. If a gardener does not water the plants they will die, the same is true with a marriage. Even though a garden or marriage requires effort the result is beautiful flowers or a marriage that results in enjoyment and positive memories. Lack of effort results in dead flowers or in the case of marriage bitterness, resentment, or a death of that marriage. "What I don't get is when you have a couple that have been together a decent amount of time , 5-6 years plus then get married but its too hard work. The only difference between a marriage and relationship is a ring on your finger and a piece of paper you can either never find or is up on your wall. I really can't grasp why some people suddenly destroy their relationship once they get married." A reason could be that in a realtionship people do not spend 24 hours with their partner as a result they do not completely know their partner. Another reason could be that before marriage most people try really hard to impress the other. A guy may reason "If she knows that I leave my dirty clothes laying on the floor she will find another partner and I will be alone". A woman may think "If he knows that I nag he will never marry me". Some people tend to exaggerate all their positive qualities and hide their negative qualities from their partner because they are afraid of losing that person. When people get married all their cards are on the table, nothing can be hidden, and that is the true test of a marriage. Some men/women look at marriage like "Well we are married now, she/he is not going anywhere" and as a result of that kind of thinking they stop making an effort, they fall into a rut. Those people stop going to the movies, fancy restraunts, or just spending time with each other and as a result their marriage start to crumble. JohnSmith (20) 27 Feb 2009 03:56 AMhttp://www.love-sessions.com/ready_for_marriage.htm Community Tags couples, hard work, marriage Discuss this article
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