Using I Languageby Heather Long | More from this Blogger 13 Mar 2006 03:00 PM What does using 'I' language refer to? We hear a lot about it in articles that tell us how to argue and how to disagree. The majority of these relationship books talk about using complaints instead of criticisms. They advise you to use 'I' language instead of 'you' language. It's incredibly difficult to do this; I don't care what the books say. Even when you think you have a handle on it, it's hard. Some examples of 'I' language versus 'you' language include:
When you use YOU language, you're just seeking to injure or attack your partner. Whether you actually WANT to do that or not, is irrelevant. It's like pointing a gun at someone and saying 'I was just illustrating the point.' The point you illustrate with you language is that you find them at fault, period. They are going to be immediately defensive and the argument is on. Using I language may not be easy, but there's a completely different perception to it. For example:
Incredibly different feelings to each statement and what makes the second set a hard pill to swallow is that using I language accepts some culpability. I am saying I don't understand. I want to help. I want to make things easier. I want to discuss it. I want to know if there is something I am doing wrong. It's hard for me to use this language because I feel like I am saying I am wrong from the get go. Yet, truthfully, I'm not saying I am wrong. I am trying to open a dialogue that won't put my husband on the defensive and may have more success than all the yelling matches in the world. By focusing on myself, I am empowering the one person I can control: ME. I can't control my husband. I know what reactions I would like him to have, but that does not mean he will have them. By using I language, I can avoid criticisms and focus on my complaints. By using I language I am offering my perceptions and not making grand sweeping statements about fault. Essentially, I am being neither defensive nor offensive - I am simply stating how I feel. For this to work, however - both of us need to do it. We both also need to acknowledge that there are different perceptions on both sides. That while we may feel there is only 'one' truth - there is often two truths --- his and mine. I'm still working on perfecting my -I- language and I am not always successful. It seems very stilted in the beginning and very much like I am not saying what I want to say. What I do like about I language is that I am not attacking my husband. That alone is extremely important because I do not want to attack him - I want to talk to him. Learn more about Heather Long  Heather Long is 35 years old and currently lives in Wylie, Texas. She has been a freelance writer for six years. Her husband and she met while working together at America Online over ten years ago. Relevantmarriage tags User Comments  Carson Hopkins (790) 13 Mar 2006 09:06 PMWe are able to use this language in our home and it's very helpful. Describing and labeling your feelings is much more powerful than A) saying 'you did this to me' or worse B) asking accusing questions like 'why are you doing that?', etc where there is no answer.  WordsAplenty (4029) 24 Mar 2006 11:42 PMBut sometimes "I" language can backfire. My husband has been known to retort, "Well, I'm not responsible for your feelings!" Think he's been reading some self-help books of his own!  Heather Long (16954) 25 Mar 2006 12:37 AMCarson, I think that's great that it works for you and we've been practiciing it pretty diligently here. I've even been working with my daughter on her language too -- it helps her to express her feelings and yes, you're right Misty, sometimes it can backfire -- on the other hand, not being responsible for someone's feelings doesn't mean they can't hurt them as my daughter pointed out to her teacher (I was so proud!). Community Tags advice, howto, marriage, relationships Discuss this article
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