Today's Dating Emasculates Men

by Courtney Mroch | More from this Blogger

21 Sep 2007 10:57 AM

Normally I watch the Today Show as I eat breakfast in the mornings, but today Providence saw fit I should flip over to CBS's The Early Show. It was right before Julie Chen started interviewing April Beyer, a Relationship Coach and Matchmaker.

Can We Ask a Man Out?

I didn't exactly care for the word choice Chen used when she was starting off the interview. "Can we ask a man out? Can we pay?"

Duh! Of course we "can." We can do anything we want. The better question, and what I think she was probably trying to get at, would be: should we?

Beyer's Reply

No.

The Reasoning

Beyer theorized that us women having so much independence has confused the heck out of men when it comes to dating. Sure, we have the means to pay where our foremothers once did not. We're educated and hold good jobs, some of which make more than men we end up dating.

But that doesn't mean we should pay. (At least not in the early dating stages. Once a relationship becomes established then it's okay to start working out the partnership dynamics of who pays for what and when.)

Four Big No-Nos

Here's where women screw up (according to Beyer):

• Reaching for the check and wanting to pay it

• Saying, "I'll get it next time."

• Going "tit for tat" competitively with a man

• Asking him out

Why Are Those Bad?

Because it doesn't leave anything for the man to do.

Yep, they like doing things. They like feeling needed and that they have something to offer. Asking you out, planning where to take you, paying for your date...these are all ways they contribute. It's part of the beating their fists against their chest primordial instinct to impress us thing.

Dating Advice I Agree With

I wrote how I was a traditional, yet unconventional, wife. Beyer's advice is actually some that makes perfectly logical sense to both of my sides.

I'm all for independence, but it's also about tapping our "feminine energy" (to use a term Beyer used in the interview).

Men don't want to compete with us as they would another man. Which is what so many of us get caught up trying to do these days. We have different things to offer.

Plus, a man's ego is a sensitive thing. Why do you think they've spent thousands of years trying to "keep us in our place"? Because at the heart of it we scare them. We can do everything: give birth, hold jobs, climb the corporate ladder, and care for a house. All at the same time. Guess who has trouble multi-tasking? Yeah, that's intimidating.

It used to be they brought in the paycheck. That was their way of maintaining control. Then we got independent and turned the rules upside down. They don't know how to court us anymore.

And, frankly, few women know much about dating anymore either.

Why Do They Let Us Pay Then?

Because they think it's what we want. That it'll make us happy. And that's what they want more than anything: to make us happy.

But it turns out it doesn't make us happy and it doesn't make them happy.

So what's the cure?

Don'ts

Beyer suggested:

• DON'T ask him out.

• DON'T buy the first meal. (Don't even offer or make any attempt to buy it!)

• DON'T offer to buy the next one.

• DON'T do things to try to prove you're his equal. You're not. (Or, rather, he already knows he's not your equal and doesn't need that point driven home.)

Dos - Ways to Reciprocate and/or Show Your Gratitude

Beyer says these Dos will woo him:

• DO offer to cook him a meal. (Or have him over to your house, bring in takeout, and serve it to him as if you cooked it.)

• DO send him a good old-fashioned thank you card. Not a text mail, not an email, but a store-bought, handwritten card.

• DO get him a little gift if you had an excellent time and want to let him know. Maybe there's some interest of his you learned about on your date. Get him a little something he could use or benefit from -or even some novelty that just makes him chuckle. He'll know you were paying attention and that you thought of him after.

To have a better time on your next date, you don't have to give up your independence...you just have to learn not to flaunt it as much.

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Learn more about Courtney Mroch

Courtney Mroch is a wife, a proud pet parent, and a writer. She's been with her husband, high school sweetheart Wayne Pryor, over 20 years, married 11 of those. She's "mom" to Mr. Meow, a.k.

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professionalsoccermom (35) 01 Oct 2007 11:13 AM

Gaaaaa. What year is it again? When I met the hub, I was making nearly twice as much as he. It made perfect sense for me to pay, and I don't think he felt emasculated at all. He made me perfectly happy in a myriad of other ways, and I like to think I made him happy in many ways that had nothing to do with my paying the check. Now after over a decade of marriage, the pay gap has narrowed to almost nothing but it doesn't matter because it's not his salary and my salary, it's the family's income. We're raising our kids to see people of both genders as people and not girls or boys with stereotyped expectations. It'll continue to be a pretty shallow world filled with pretty weak relationships if a person's ego is going to be dependent on who pays for a meal. Shouldn't consideration for a person's particular circumstance trump traditional ego-based roles?

Courtney Mroch (9169) 02 Oct 2007 10:06 AM

It's funny you asked that, ProfessionalSoccerMom. Beyer did address the "person's particular circumstances trumping traditional ego-based roles" and she said they DO factor in somewhat. For instance, if the guy can't afford 5-star, he shouldn't be made to feel he should when he's asking the woman out. He should pick where he can afford to pay.

Her whole thing was that for the first date especially, and until you establish a more defined relationship, the man should be allowed to do something. Pay, ask you out, etc. AFTER that you can do as you and your hubby have done. If the woman makes more, she can pay for more, etc.

It was just the initial dating phase she was advising women to step back and give up some control so the man can have something to do. I think she based this on findings too, not just assumptions, that men aren't happy and do in fact feel emasculated in today's dating culture and these are things in particular that make them feel that way. Again, it won't be every man. But there were apparently more than there were less...