Thoughts on Soul Mates and Single People

by Courtney Mroch | More from this Blogger

29 Sep 2008 08:00 AM

In the Single Side of Things article I wrote in as part of my analysis of Today's "Why I Got Married, Why I Stayed Single Series", I ended by saying I didn't really buy that the single women interviewed were truly happy with their decisions to stay single.

Tainted View

My thoughts on this are kind of corrupted, because my sister's a 51-year-old never-been-married single woman. Back in her 20s it was common to hear her declare, "I'm never going to get married. I don't need it."

Then in her 30s she found someone she thought she might marry. Actually, two people. Not that she was totally on board with marriage, but her attitude towards it seemed to have softened.

But she's thick-headed, stubborn, and as selfish as they come. She also doesn't get what it takes to be in a relationship. It's her way or no way, no exceptions. Consequently, she never married. (And never will.) But, in her mid-40s, she admitted in more than one teary confession that she'd always expected to. She confessed that deep down she always hoped to find the one, but it never happened.

Or had it?

Soul Mates: Myth or Reality?

In both the Married and Single segments of Today's series, a side conversation they had was about soul mates. Dr. Judith Sills, the clinical psychologist that appeared on both shows, felt this concept can be quite dangerous to both camps. (Creates unrealistic expectations and all that.)

She felt you don't find a soul mate because no such thing exists. A soul mate relationship is one you build with someone over years and years of being together.

I believe in soul mates. (But I like to call them pea pod mates.)

Soul Mates: Dangerous Ground to Tread On

But I understand the danger of concocting the perfect person in your mind that you just have to find in order to marry. You'll never marry if you're looking for such a person because perfect doesn't exist. And if you do find what you think is your perfect person, get married, and realize you created an illusion about the person, well...that can have equally devastating consequences.

But I do believe in "the one" and that your heart will know them when it sees them. (Or dreams of them.) And that you'll just build that bond stronger over your years together.

But I also believe you can be too picky, set too many expectations of what "the one" is supposed to be, and in the process blind yourself from recognizing him (or her) when he (or she) comes along. I also think it's possible to meet "the one" early on, he (or she) sets the standard, but it doesn't work out and next thing you know no one else compares.

This is what happened to my sister. Her college love was the one, but she didn't recognize it then. (Something about declaring to never be any man's wife because she was going to be an idependent woman.) Ever since, though, every boyfriend's been compared and has always failed to measure up.

What do you think about soul mates? Are you a believer or not?

Learn more about Courtney Mroch

Courtney Mroch is a wife, a proud pet parent, and a writer. She's been with her husband, high school sweetheart Wayne Pryor, over 20 years, married 11 of those. She's "mom" to Mr. Meow, a.k.

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Jade Walker (964) 29 Sep 2008 09:25 AM

I am a firm believer in soulmates, always have been. While such a belief can create unrealistic expectations, it doesn't necessarily have to.

I received several marriage proposals over the years, but I had to turn them down. I knew, without a doubt, that those men weren't "the one." Marrying one of them might have lead to a very nice life, but it wasn't the life I wanted. And why settle for anything less than perfect just so I could be married by the time I was 30? Being single was a much better option.

What is "perfect"? No one is perfect. But I knew, in my heart of hearts, that my soulmate was "perfect" for me. There's nothing wrong with having standards; in fact, I encourage my single friends to raise theirs and not accept any joe or jane doe that comes along just so they won't be alone. I'd much rather be alone than be with the wrong person.

So how does one find their soulmate? One, make something out of yourself. How can you expect Mr. or Ms. Right to be amazing if you don't have anything amazing to offer? Two, imagine the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Make a list, if it helps. Choose attributes that are nonnegotiable and stick to those standards. (These will differ from person to person, of course. Mine included someone who was faithful, honest, law-abiding, romantic and intelligent. I wanted someone who loved animals and travel, but wasn't addicted to drugs, alcohol, tobacco or gambling.) Finally, remain open the possibilities of the world. Regardless of whether you meet your soulmate or not, life is short. Make the most of it.

Courtney Mroch (9169) 29 Sep 2008 01:57 PM

This was perhaps your best and most insightful comment yet, Ms. Walker. I think the thing that's key in your comment is that while you had a list of what you wanted and an idea of what your Mr. Right had to have (and had not to have), you still left things open. From the sounds of it, you weren't so steadfast and nitpicky about other certain specifics. You more or less generalized the attritubutes you wanted in your man.

And I really liked what you had to say about making something of yourself. What a great point! And the visualization...

All of this is going to tie in with an article I have planned for later in the week. Expect to be referred to once again, Jade!