The Second Marriage

by Heather Long | More from this Blogger

28 Mar 2006 07:00 AM

My husband was married before. This is my first marriage and his second. I even knew his first wife. Though to be honest, I hardly think of her as having ever been his wife. I have a unique perspective because at the time, their marriage was already rocking under the tremors of disparate expectations, disappointments and emotional withdrawal.

Even though I knew this, it is still hard to comprehend some of what he went through. No matter how estranged couples are when they divorce, they still go through a lot of pain. They experience a wealth of self-doubt, misery and failure. This is a dangerous time for individuals - especially if they fall into another marriage very quickly.

More often than not, they end up in what is called a 're-bound relationship' and while they can work, they often don't. It's important to give yourself time after a divorce or death of a spouse before engaging in another relationship or jumping into another marriage. It's important to come to terms with why the first relationship didn't work out. In both cases, the death of a spouse or the divorce, it's important to give yourself time to grieve.

If and when you are ready to find love again, talk to your potential spouse about the idea of a long engagement. If you take the time to understand the mistakes of the previous marriage and to mourn the loss of the spouse, it can help you to avoid repeating past mistakes or comparing your new relationship to the old one.

When you marry someone and it's their second marriage, develop a greater sense of compassion for what they have gone through. Understand they may have emotional baggage and help both of you by working it out beforehand. It will be hard for both of you to commit to the marriage if you've not allowed your partner to commit to their emotional divorce.

If the shadows of the previous marriage are affecting your current relationship, it may be time to talk to a marriage counselor. They can help you both to sort out past feelings and to build a stronger marriage together.

Fran Hopkins talkes about the The Incredible Sweetness of Love in the Single-Parenting Blog. Rediscovering love may lead to a second marriage.

Learn more about Heather Long

Heather Long is 35 years old and currently lives in Wylie, Texas. She has been a freelance writer for six years. Her husband and she met while working together at America Online over ten years ago.

View Full Profile | More from this Blogger

Nicole Humphrey (15757) 28 Mar 2006 01:31 PM

Wonderful article Heather. Important information provided for that second marriage. It helps, but can also complicate matters when both parties are entering thier second marriage. You both have emotional baggage, which can help you better understand your partner, but then it can also further complicate things by both parties having higher expectations as far as that understanding and compassion go. Regardless, commitment and communication - the two C's - are the most important aspect. Thanks for sharing Heather!

Heather Long (16954) 28 Mar 2006 02:25 PM

Thank you Nicole. It is hard. I can't imagine how I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. I've been very fortunate, we've had rocky times, but we're both committed to making it work -- even when we need a breather to calm down and then come back to the table. Thanks for sharing the fact that when it's a second marriage for both, it adds to the complication factors.

WordsAplenty (4029) 28 Mar 2006 03:33 PM

My husband was also married before. Honestly, he doesn't really seem to carry that much baggage. What makes it hard, for me, is that they had a child so we still have to see the ex. I don't like weekly reminders that he had a life before me! Childish, I know.

LondonVoll (5) 09 Mar 2008 09:36 AM

I am a 45 year old lady that is on her 5th and last marriage. yes, I findly found Mr Right! anyway, I am on a quest to find out what makes people like me marry so many times. I don't believe that all people who marry so many times just don't take there vows important because I know everytime I have been down the isle I went into each marriage with honesty, hope and love for that person and a pray that I would be happy with that person for the rest of my life. I know what has driven me to so many marriage one reason is because I believe in the instatution of marriage and I love being married to a man that I love and respect. I also have learned as I have gotten older and wiser what I was needing from the marriages and how they fufilled me. I believe there is much more to some people who marry so many times in there life and I would like to hear from them. thank you for your time on this matter.

ladymadea (19) 14 Feb 2009 10:04 AM

Wow I loved it.