Surviving Separationby Sherry Holetzky | More from this Blogger 14 Aug 2006 05:58 AM He's had it. He (or she) wants to separate. He swears there isn't anyone else, but he's just not happy. He thinks time and some space might help. You didn't see this coming, and you are devastated, which is of course understandable. Your first thought is probably that you will become a statistic, but it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. Separation can sometimes be a positive thing, despite the fact that it is a painful and difficult process. If you and your spouse really want things to work out, a separation might actually work to your benefit. It may give the two of you a chance to miss one another and to appreciate each other more. It might provide enough distance to allow the two of you to engage in counseling, and be completely open and honest, without the anxiety of having to face the other person on the ride home or at home afterwards. Keep these things in mind, during this difficult time: Don't Berate, Blame, or Accuse If he swears there isn't another woman, and there is no real evidence of an affair, give him the benefit of the doubt. Don't engage in screaming matches, no matter how hurt, angry, and upset you are. It will turn him off and he won't respond the way you want him to. Wait until you're calmer to try to talk and never attack or try to blame him for everything. When calm, ask how the two of you can work together to make things better. Find out is he's willing to try counseling. If you keep exchanges amicable, in time you might even suggest a date. Don't Act Like a Stalker Seriously. Don't follow your spouse to see if there really is another person involved. Don't call several times a day or at all hours. Don't read his mail. Don't just happen to show up as he's leaving work or as he's arriving at his favorite coffee shop. By all means, never harass or embarrass him at work. Neediness is not attractive, and if it crosses the line, it can actually be considered stalking. Always think things through before you act or react, and try not to make purely emotional decisions. Find Neutral Territory This means both location and subject matter. If you need to discuss bills, the kids, or other important issues, stick only to the imperative points, speak in factual terms, and arrive at a decision together. Keep the list to a minimum, so it doesn't feel like a list of demands or a bunch of excuses to monopolize his time. By finding a neutral location, especially a public place, you can help reduce tension as well as reducing the chance of heated arguments. Be Respectful but Expect the Same in Return Remember how much you love your spouse, and try to show respect and common courtesy. Remaining civil will help keep the two of you from building walls. You'll be more at ease with each other making it easier to discuss and sort out important issues. However, you should never allow your spouse to walk on you. You are deserving of respect and courtesy as well. If your spouse behaves hatefully, try not to react over-emotionally. Simply disengage and tell him you will speak to him another time when he can remain civil. Live Your Life Don't sit by the phone waiting for him to call, but don't always be immediately available either. Live your life. If he asks to talk or get together but you have other plans or obligations, say so. Don't drop everything every time he calls. Instead, offer another more convenient time if you do want to see him. Keep yourself busy and take good care of yourself. It's easy to slip into depression and it definitely shows. Instead, remind him just how attractive you are and that it's well worth the wait to see you. Learn more about Sherry Holetzky  Sherry Holetzky is a work at home mom and freelance writer. Married to her best friend, Sherry and her husband are raising their family in a quiet rural setting in the beautiful Ozark Mountains. Relevantmarriage tags User Comments Makingitright (5) 27 Oct 2006 08:46 AMI am moving out next week and my husband still wants to see one another during our trial separation. He feels that he has lot himself through countless compromises and I feel so guilty fro being so controlling that a separation seems perfectly appropriate. I love this article as it states everything that I am feeling and everything that we have agreed upon. Thankfully, there are no children to explain things to and he has been so supportive while, at the same time, standng his ground about getting time alone and that is refreshing as it seems he has already begun to find himself again! He swears there is no other woman or cheating issues involved and agreed that dating others would not be appropriate. Once I admitted a tinge of excitement about living on my own, it relieved a lot of tension almost immediately. Sherry Holetzky (11404) 27 Oct 2006 11:08 AMSometimes, a little distance and some good old fashioned soul searching can have a huge impact. The fact that the two of you are communicating so honestly, is great. I hope things work out for you. Best wishes. metlfan (5) 24 Oct 2008 09:01 PMi'm about to go through a trial separation in about a week. we have both agreed to still "date" each other and not see other people. hopefully we'll rekindle the love that we once had. of course i don't want to but i respect her wishes because i love her so much. we have a child too and i don't want him thinking that this is all his fault either. she really doesn't want to go to counseling, but i'm going to go regardless. this article really hits home for me and gives me hope for the future. emswebs (5) 05 Feb 2009 02:40 PMMy husband, too, is asking for trial separation... we have actually begun the process. I am living away from home (because my job has sort of necessitated it) and he has the boys with him. I miss them all so much. I call H when I can, and we are trying to talk through things. When this process first began we never talked, and he even was considering starting a relationship with someone else. We have healing to do, and I am trying to respect his need for space. This is hard for me. I'm missing him terribly, and worried that he will decide to leave me and go with his other woman. He promises that it has ended with her, but what if we can't work things out? I need to have patience and trust in the process a little bit more than I usually do. For the first time today when we were on the phone he agreed that maybe couples counseling would be a good idea for us. This is a huge step because a month ago he wanted nothing to do with it. I am praying that we can make this work. I know what I did to contribute to the problems. I am eager to fix this. I hope he will join me. Sherry Holetzky (11404) 10 Feb 2009 08:00 AMBest wishes, Em. Praying for you and your family. Community Tags find neutral territory, live your life, Respect, surviving separation Discuss this article
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