Resisting the Urge to "Mother" Your Spouse

by Mary Ann Romans | More from this Blogger

07 Jan 2009 10:10 AM

This morning, as I was waiting for the bus with my son and our neighbors, it was pouring rain. While my son and I were under umbrellas, my poor husband was going back and forth bringing out four barrels of recycling (we generate more recycling than we do garbage). He was wearing his good coat with a hat and hood, so that offered some protection. Still, his pants were pretty wet at the shins and cuffs.

Seeing him like this, I offered to run into the house to fetch another pair of pants that he could then change into when he got to work. He refused the offer, saying that the pants should dry on the way to work. I smiled; he gave me a quick kiss; he left in his truck.

Now, here is where the fine line exists. Had this response come from my son (or any of my children, I would have immediately insisted that the pants were changed. A cold could be caught, they would be miserable all day, etc. But, although I think I know best, my husband is an adult and is perfectly capable of making his own personal care decisions. I can suggest or I can help, but I should never try to be his mother. He already has one of those, and she did a wonderful job preparing him for the world.

I don't know how it is for couples without children, but as a mother of three, it is easy for me to fall into the mothering role 24/7, even with people who are not children. When guests leave, I sometimes inadvertently remind them to button a coat or try to send them off with snacks. My spouse, as the closest thing to me could easily become a victim of mothering.

Mothering can sometimes be a good thing, even for an adult, so don't get me wrong. It is nice to feel taken care of, but there is a fine line between taking care of each other and nagging or smothering (s-mothering).

So in the chance that my husband does comes home achy or with a cold, I'll simply offer to fetch the Advil, the blanket and the hot pad.

Mary Ann Romans writes about everything related to saving money in the Frugal Blog, creating a home in the Home Blog, caring for little ones in the Baby Blog and now relationships in the Marriage Blog. You can read more of her articles by clicking here.

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Learn more about Mary Ann Romans

Mary Ann Romans is a freelance writer and mother of three children. She lives in Pennsylvania with her husband, the kids and a 16-pound cat.

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