Remarrying after the Death of Your Spouse

sweet62sweet (5) 24 May 2007 08:23 AM

I was wondering what your thought of my feelings, am I being selfish. This article is my feelings exactly, although I am not looking to marry anytime soon. I have not lost a spouse to death, I lost my spouse to divorce, about 4 1/2 years ago. My feelings are coming from me dating a gentleman that lost his wife about 3 years ago and we have been dating about 2 1/2 years. I realize and understand that people handle grief in so many different ways. I want to help him and really don't know how. Not only did he lose his wife he also lost his step children when he met me, they pulled away totally, I sometimes feel that this is my fault. I try so hard to help him in so many ways, and I am at a lost and have no idea what to do anymore, I have truly fell in love with him. There is not one day that goes by that he doesn't mention that his life is horrible because of what has happened. He is always talking about his wife and how he will never love or marry anyone again, although he tells me he loves me, I AM SO CONFUSED AND ALL THIS. He still has pictures of her all around the house in every room and that is beginning to bother me, this is where I think maybe I am being selfish, I don't live there but I would like to see him try and move on. He has, I call it kicked me to the curb numerous times, and it's not 2 days and he is calling me back, and what do I do I go back. My close friends tell me I am stupid, I don't feel I am stupid, I believe he is just frightened, I believe he has deep feelings for me and just scared. He has made the comment that he will never marry and be controlled and told what to do. I have not even given him any signal that marriage is what I am after right now, because it is not, I myself don't what to remarry, maybe sometime down the line, yes, but not now. I guess what I need is someone to talk to about this, it's like I am dead on the inside, I feel like I have lost myself trying to make him happy and I don't believe I can make him happy. I have talked to him about maybe getting into some kind of counseling or social club with others that have went thru this, and he absolutely refuses. I am at a lost, and I don't want to lose him, but I feel in my heart that I am losing him because of the torment I am going through because of his hurt. Am I being selfish, thinking like this.

duckntx (6) 14 Feb 2008 05:42 PM

Howdy....new to this site so be nice to me. lol I lost my Mother in July of 07'. My Dad is going over to a friend's house tomorrow night and is feeling a little "odd". I tried to assure him that he deserves to be happy and he is smart enough to know what is proper and what is not. Kinda odd me telling my Dad abourt this but I was wondering if any of you have any suggestions on how to approach this subject? I'm fine with this but my sister is haveing a dificult time.

liz53 (5) 24 Feb 2008 05:27 AM

Dear duckntx, First of all, I am sorry about the loss of your mother. You are right that your Dad deserves to be happy and to make his own decisions. Everyone needs love and companionship no matter how old they are. Your sister needs assured that your Dad being with another woman does not mean he did not love your mother, or that he does not love his children. Unless you see that the other woman is doing something to harm your father, give him your support and don't make him feel guilty. I am in a similar situation as sweet62. I am 55 and met a man 6 months after his wife died. We get along really well and have been seeing each other daily for almost a year now, but his 36 year old daughter refuses to even meet me and makes him feel guilty any time he mentions me or tries to set up a time we can meet or get together. I want so badly for all of us to get along, but she won't give me a chance. I love her father and wouldn't hurt him for the world, but for some reason she is threatened by me. My advice to you and your sister is to let your Dad take care of himself and don't interfere unless it is truly warranted. There's a big difference between looking out for him and controlling him. You'll know when it's appropriate to step in, but even then it's still his life and his decisions to make. No one will ever replace your mother, but if your Dad finds happiness with someone else it would be a blessing and he will need the support of his family.

repdav (10) 26 Mar 2008 11:22 AM

Well, I can tell you I just lost my spouse of 16 years due to cancer and I'm only 44 and she was 52. I carried her to the end with HOSPICE in our bedroom and she died in my arms. It was a long 3 year battle. I'm a Navy man with 26 years under my belt and I ain't no weakling and both of us know the Lord and have received the Holy Spirit a few years back. We were prepared as we could possibly could be and especially me with all my charts and book reading i could have possibly done in regards to her treatments and even prior funeral arrangments. What I could not fathom or plan for in any of my charts or graphs or book reading was the intense "void" that opens up deep within your soul. Its really as if a physical ripping of your insides has occured. Its been 4 weeks now the pain is just as fresh if not more intense as it was during week 2. I can tell you some things I do to help minimize it and what your man must be going thru if he is anything like me. Which by your description were both havng similar experienecs. If you want some advice on how you can make him feel better or to help your relation grow at this point, you can call me and I can tell you what would I would think would help ease the pain. I know what helps me and becasue my family and friends do not fully understand what I'm feeling, I actually have to write them email and give them step by step instruction on how to deal with me in order to help me. 99 percent of people unless they personnally experienced a loss of a spouse, can not understand what it takes to help a griever. Not all the things they can do will help but I have put together some things that make the "Sting" less for me. In the evenings are best. 757-558-0674

StinaNP (15) 04 Apr 2008 07:38 AM

I very much understand your situation repdav. I lost my husband of 11 years to cancer 1 1/2 years ago. He was 52. I was 39. It was a tough 2 year battle for all. Like yourself, hospice was a blessing and my husband passed away in my arms also. Being an ICU nurse, I have been around death often. I always considered my faith in God to be strong. I thought that my knowledge and faith prepared my well to handle this. It didn't. I know the grief that is so deep in the middle of your soul that its heaviness may suffocate you at any moment. You are right, it is as though something has reached inside and is ripping away your inside - over and over and over again. My anger with God and my sorrowness of soul knew no boundaries. Guilt over my anger was also an issue, after all, I was a woman of faith. My very good friend and local priest had very good advise for me when I spoke with him about this. He told me that all of my feelings were okay to have but to please be careful that I don't stay stuck in that place. Grief is something that should be moved through lest I choose to live my life in despair. My grief turned into depression, despair, and self-pity. Maybe it's something that I just needed to hear. Despair is not a place that I wanted to live in for the rest of my life - besides, I had a 9 year old son to help. I applaud you for being aware of the things that help alleviate some of the "sting" and your willingness to share that with others - that in itself is very healing. Friends and family often don't know what to say or do. Sometimes they just stay away simply because they don't know what to do. It's just not easy all the way around. I can't say that I am aware, even at this point, of what I needed. Perhaps permission to have all of my "awful" feelings and still know that God accepted me and understood. Sometimes I just needed to be alone. Sometimes I was too alone. Again, I commend you for your ability to articulate your needs to your family. The "sting" will ease. The ability to entertain memories of your spouse with peace and happiness will return. Sometimes the tears will return. The love will always be there.

I am sorry for everyone's losses. It is so difficult to lose someone and move beyond guilt and feelings of betrayal in trying to continue on with living. It is a struggle to begin dating again, for those of us that have lost and for the ones that love us. I have just begun to date someone seriously again. It is not easy working through these feelings. My friend's advise keeps ringing in my ears " It's okay to feel that way, just don't stay there otherwise you'll live with misery." A "normal" life is something to strive for and work at. It just doesn't fall into one's lap. The love and support of those around us can help (that's why God gave us each other) but it can't be done for us. We have to keep moving through the best way we know how - prayer, not isolating ourselves away from the rest of society, helping others, healthy lifestyle, nonjudgemental friends, quiet time, acceptance of where we are, try to formualte a vision of where we want to be (even if it's just for tomorrow), and trying to minimize the amount of "drama" in our lives. Thanks for listening to me ramble.

From someone whose trying to move through.

swappie (5) 15 May 2008 08:56 PM

StinAP and repdav, I am 41 and lost my husband to cancer in '04. It is comforting, but in a sad way, that I can so relate to your stories. I am now raising my four kids, three still in the home. I have dated, but I miss my husband everyday. I have fun when I am dating, but when it gets serious, I sometimes want to run the other way. I am having trouble making any committments because I don't feel that "I've never felt this way before feeling". When a date tells me this, I feel guilty to him for not feeling this strongly. I also feel sad that maybe I won't feel that way again? Have either of you felt this way? Suggestions? I don't think it is fair to have someone feel deeply committed to someone who may not be capable of giving that much back? I loved being married, but when I try to date at this point in life, people are wanting only serious relationships. Suggestions?

repdav (10) 09 Jun 2008 11:04 AM

swappie, in regards to dating and remarrage...my wife died 3 months ago. while someday i invision once again dating, i find it very difficult to think i could love like i did with my wife melody. the guilt maybe too strong to overcome. i too enjoyed being married and part of the fear of commitment that i think i would have would be to think it could happen all over again. but then again, when true love from God strikes, i suppose those feeling i and maybe you are having today would naturally pass. Maybe we can take this "not strong feeling" as a sort of sign from God. If your the type that doesnt belive that God may have as big as part in bringing together people as some think, then I would use "Couple Retreats" to sort out if the individual is the right one for you and him. I've been in the Navy 27 years now and strongly encourage our services marriage and couple retreats to help couples grow and learn each other. Retreats are not just for couples or marriages on the rocks. Just the opposite! They should be used routinly to help maintain healthy relationships and help couples grow! Marriage is work. And retreats help couple with the tools to build them into strong ones.

rs3560 (45) 15 Jun 2008 07:59 PM

I'm sorry to hear of everyone's loss. My mother died in November of '07 of emphysema. That was by far the hardest thing I have yet to endure in my lifetime (I am 32 years old). They say "time heals all" but I seem to think that time just makes it a little easier. It's been 7 months since my mom passed and the void I have with her gone is something I'm not sure will ever go away. I feel for my dad as he walks around not knowing what to do with himself. He's 58 years old and had just retired in June of '07 and was looking forward to spending the next few years with my mom since he often worked long and crazy hours. My mom wasn't in the best health but in no way did we think she was going to pass so quickly. It was a shock to us all. I feel for my dad as I don't know what to do. He wants to travel but he doesn't want to travel alone, which I can't blame him. I'm trying to find activities or things for him to do so he can meet people (not women specifically), just people that are like him that has nothing but time. Not that I expect my dad to stay by himself for the rest of his life, I just want him to have fun and meet new people. He told me this evening that he needs a hobby...he has too much time on his hands. Does anyone have any suggestions??? We live in Southeastern Michigan. I would greatly appreciate any advice. Thanks and God bless!

maybetoosoon (5) 24 Jun 2008 03:44 PM

I am 55, was married to my first wife for 28 years. She died in 2005 after a long and painful hospitalization. I had no specific intention of remarrying, but met someone a little over a year later and decided to remarry very quickly, within a couple weeks. Our wedding was three months later. Since then I have been suffering from severe depression and anxiety, going through therapy, medication, etc. Among many other issues of my own that go back to early childhood, I also frequently wonder whether I made a good choice and how to deal with it if I didn't. My wife has a 13-year-old so it is complicated. My children from the first marriage are both married themselves now, 25 and 27 years old. Life has been, and is, extremely difficult for me.

StinaNP (15) 18 Jul 2008 05:02 AM

Swappie, you are not alone. I, too, have the very same feelings. I have been dating the same gentleman for 7 months now. Although he is a very good man, I often have the desire to turn and run. Why? I am not exactly sure. I was so comfortable in my relationship with my husband. We had a history together. I new him, he new me. We were used to each other's ways and mannerisms. That took time to develop. It is an investment of time and energy. As repdav said, marriage is work - but worth it if both spouses have the same goal in mind. Now, at 41, I find myself without the person that I shared a life history with. Although I loved my husband tremendously, it was such a physically and emotionally taxing time through his illness and also in trying to move through the grief of his absence. When I first met the gentleman I am now seeing, I just didn't know if I had the emotional energy to get to know anyone else. As harsh as this may sound I even had feelings of not wanting to "take care of" or make concessions in life for anyone anymore. I still feel like that at times. I find that when I feel like "running away", I am afraid of the emotional and time investment that building a relationship takes. When I here him tell me how much he loves me or that he wishes that we had met long ago or that he hasn't felt this way about anyone, in one way it makes me feel good but it also makes me feel like he needs me too much. Feeling "needed" scares me because I was "needed" so much by my husband and after his death, by my son. Please understand, these are only my feelings and fears and not necessarily the true meaning behind the words of the man I am seeing. I know that I have been through an emotional roller coaster over the last few years and that my perception of reality may in some way be skewed. Because my feelings fluctuate so much, from loving this man to wanting to turn tail and run, I cannot rely solely on my feelings. Knowing this, when I feel this way I often have to ask myself if I am being reasonable or irrational in my thoughts and feelings. Having been, what I think, a pretty even keel and emotionally stable person all of my life, I often feel unstable and irrational in my thoughts - this is also disturbing and new to me. I don't like it. I don't want to be like this. On the other hand, it's been a trying time and I don't suppose the effects of it will go away over night. I do a lot of talking with God because I so much need His guidance through all of this. Anyway...Since my son is only 11 y/o now, I also worry about the emotional investment that he would have to make in getting to know someone else. Because this is a person different and apart from his father and my husband, he will not behave or respond in the same ways that we have been used to. That leaves us, the survivors, in a place called "the unknown". We have been unwillingly separated from our comfort zone and now find ourselves trying to start over again. That is scary for me. Switching gears, I wrestle with another problem. Being Catholic down to my bone marrow, I am in so much turmoil over dating a man who is also Catholic, divorced (11 years), and not annulled from his first marriage. My faith teaches that he is still married in the eyes of God and it is adulterous to date a civilly divorced man. I have to say that there are not too many widowed fellas in this age bracket...so where does that leave us young widows? Anyone else experiencing the same?

m320 (10) 28 Dec 2008 11:03 PM

Very interesting discussion. I lost my sweet fiancee last year in an accident. 1 week before her accident we became engaged. She spent the final 2 weeks of her life in a coma and passed away on my birthday.

I have read many books since then about coping, but I have a feeling that in this day and age there is such a emphasis on moving on and the concept of long-term grief quite often is swept under the carpet. What a lot of the "self-help" books fail to mention is that there is no such thing as moving on ... rather adapting to a new life.

The pain never truly goes away and I, for one, cannot yet see myself with anyone. It is true that I will always love my fiancee more than anyone else, but I now love her more than ever. And I am so much still in love with her.

Grief is highly unique and there is no right or wrong ways to grieve. This is evident from the posts in this forum. I'm glad though I found it.

Peace /M.

e1izabeth (5) 03 Jan 2009 07:39 AM

Hello all. It's comforting to these stories... My husband of six years passed, a year and a half ago, at the age of 28. It was a very traumatic experience, as he committed suicide, and our children were 5, 3, and 9 months old. It's a long, complicated story, but he was not with us at the time, and suffered from bipolar disorder.

I am recently engaged. NEVER expected to meet such a amazing man, so soon, but he is wonderful to me and the kids, smart, successful, great family, etc. But, I too, find my self in a panic, wanting to run. Worried I am making the wrong decision. At the same time, I had thought, I had a grip on the grieving process/situation, and in the recent months, I feel like I have taken 10 steps back.

It's so frustrating, because I want to enjoy my engagement, and that I have this wonderful person in my life, but at the same time, I think he is the reason that all of these feelings have resurfaced. I'm left wondering if it was too fast, and I wasnt ready (like I convinced him I was).. but I dont want to risk losing him. Not to mention, my kids are babies, and ADORE him (and him, them), and I can NOT fathom letting antother man, leave them.

I don't know. I have so much to be grateful for.... and am still so sad and emotional. I was such a grounded, stable, in control individual prior to this (psych. nurse, no less) and now I feel such a lack of control... and a little out of my mind.

Not sure of what I am trying to achieve right now, but it helps to tell my story a little, I guess.

God Bless all of you and keep you. We share all share something very unique that, most times can not be explained.

csk45 (6) 08 Jan 2009 11:47 AM

I am googling on the internet and found this website. I thought of sharing with somebody outside the family what I did/am going through. I am an asian(age 45 living in US for the last 17 years). I lost my wife(she herself was a physician) about 2 years back (in January 2007) and lost my sister (with Lung cancer in March 2007). My wife started her own medical practice just 2 years back. Both of them were 38 when they passed away(40 days apart) and coincidentally their birthdays also 2 months apart (June and August). My wife tried to help my sister by checking with her fellow physicians regarding lung cancer. But she became sick (Sarcoid/tuberculosis) and passed away first in January.

I have a kid who is less than 6 years old when he lost his mother. He will be 8 years next month. He will be talking some times still his mom as part of the existing family.

It will be heartbreaking.

I have my mom with me. I lost my father when I was 13 years old. She is supportive to me.

I am thinking about second marriage as I am feeling so lonely.

My son is only main hope for me to keep on living

Thanks for reading.