Oprah's "Why Men Cheat" Controversy

by Courtney Mroch | More from this Blogger

24 Sep 2008 10:06 AM

Last week Oprah did a show called "How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage: Why Men Cheat Part 2." I don't know if she had the "Part 2" planned or not. From the previews it kind of sounded like they did it in response to all of the responses Part 1 generated.

It was the previews that caught my attention. Since I wasn't going to be able to watch the show when it aired, I recorded it.

Saturday while Wayne and I were hanging out to nurse Murph, he was flipping through our recorded programs on the DVR and saw the Oprah one I'd saved.

"What's this all about?" he asked, referring to the "Why Men Cheat" title that came up.

"Oh yeah. I forgot I recorded that. I wanted to see what they said and maybe write about it for the Marriage Blog."

So we watched. And guess what? Here I am writing about the show. Go figure.

The Controversy

I didn't see Part 1, but the expert Oprah had on, M. Gary Neuman, a marriage counselor, had written a book called The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do To Prevent It.

In addition to drawing on his 20 years as a marriage counselor, Mr. Neuman researched his book by interviewing 100 men. He discerned that one in 2.7 men will cheat, and that the majority of the women cheated on will never know. He also discovered that 92 percent of the men who had cheated said sex wasn't their primary motivator.

The Reason Men Cheat

So if it's not all about sex, why do men cheat? Mainly because they feel underappreciated.

And whose job is it to make her husband feel appreciated? Yep, the wife's.

That's what sparked the controversy. Mr. Neuman wasn't exactly saying it was a woman's fault if her man strays. Cheating's wrong and the man should know better. But in essence he was alluding to the fact that a man wouldn't think about straying if he was getting certain things at home from his wife.

The Response

Some women understood this. Me among them. It reminded me of another article I once wrote about the same observation. (And which some didn't take too kindly too since the article only netted one star.)

Others were enraged by it. They felt men were being given a free pass and not being held responsible for their actions by blaming it on the woman.

Couples Who Have Been There

Of course no Oprah show would be complete without guests. The wives who had been cheated on were devastated, but they were trying to understand why. Why all the lying? What went wrong to lead their marriages down that path?

They didn't like hearing that it was their husband's ego they'd neglected. But it made sense to them. (Mostly.) It gave them a point to work forward from.

And it wasn't that they were shouldering all the responsibility for their husbands' affairs. It was acknowledged that the husband was wrong. But there's also a psychology to cheating. Women who cheat suffer from the same cheating triggers. (Feeling underappreciated, unnoticed, taken for granted, etc.)

Knowing that can, as Mr. Neuman proposed, help couples affair-proof their marriages by instituting new behaviors.

Related Articles

The Psychology of Why Married Men Cheat, Part 1

What You Might Not Have Known About Affairs

True Love Doesn't Equal Perfect Love

Straight Talk for Potential Two Timers

No Longer Attracted to Your Spouse?

What Kind of Wife...

Infidelity: Insult and Injury

Can a Marriage Survive and Affair?

Coping with an Unfaithful Spouse

Ten Signs That Your Spouse May Be Cheating

Photo credit: Photo by Julia Freeman-Woolpert Standard restrictions apply for use of this photo.

Learn more about Courtney Mroch

Courtney Mroch is a wife, a proud pet parent, and a writer. She's been with her husband, high school sweetheart Wayne Pryor, over 20 years, married 11 of those. She's "mom" to Mr. Meow, a.k.

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Tristi Pinkston (10839) 24 Sep 2008 10:21 AM

Wow -- that statistic of men who cheat really surprised me. I didn't realize it was that high.

I have noticed a trend toward belittling men in our media -- esp. our sitcoms, men are always treated like idiots. If this is rubbing off into how men are treated at home, I can see it.

I also agree that it's totally a man's responsibility if he's going to cheat. But the things we as wives can do to make him happier at home will also improve our marriage in other ways, as well. It's a win-win. And if he still cheats, well, you know you married an idiot. :)

Courtney Mroch (9169) 24 Sep 2008 11:38 AM

Tristi, you raise an excellent point and one I hadn't considered: how the media may be interfering. I wonder if anyone's studied that? (They have studies noting how many times certain words and used and violence appears. I wonder if they have one about how men are treated.)

It made me think about an article I have planned for later this week that sort of might seem like it's belittling men if you take the title for face value. But I'm not.

And I like what your last paragraph said. I think that pretty much sums up the situation and how I view it too. But I really liked the way you put it! Thanks for the comment!

Starrlight (5255) 24 Sep 2008 01:51 PM

Yeah the media portrail I can totally see in shows like Jon and Kate (she doesn't always treat him with respect - which if I had that many kids I'd be worn out to, well more than I am). And yeah I didn't know the # was so high either - wow!

Jade Walker (964) 24 Sep 2008 08:45 PM

The statistic that really stuck with me after watching this show was that 90% of men will lie about their infidelity. Yes, 90%.

Courtney Mroch (9169) 25 Sep 2008 05:46 AM

I think there was also another stat that lke only 7% ever come clean on their own that they cheated, and that over 50% still lie and deny they've had an affair even when confronted. I think that would be the most frustrating. Knowing in your heart of hearts he's done you wrong, but then he looks you in the face and keeps lying about it. I wonder if there's been a study done that men who come clean quicker and don't put the wives through more lies have a better road of rebuilding their marriage than those who don't.

Jade Walker (964) 25 Sep 2008 09:09 AM

That is frustrating! But you know what is even more crazy? Not the lies, the deceit or the screwing around. It's the transmission of diseases to innocent parties who foolishly believed they were in a monogamous relationship.

Courtney Mroch (9169) 25 Sep 2008 01:39 PM

That would be REALLY infuriating! Not to mention disgusting. How can you ever trust your partner in that intimate way again? I think I'd have a very tough time with that.