My Spouse Hits Me - Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?

eatmoresoap (5) 13 Jun 2008 08:00 PM

To say that no one deserves to be abused and that they should seek help outside of the relationship is very good in thought but I have found that it is not an easy thing to do when you are a man and you are being abused by your wife. My now ex wife was the classic abuser. She yelled, threatened, accused me of cheating and having secrets all the time. She had me have no contact with any of my friends or family. I isolated myself because of her anger. She physically assulted me on more than one occasion. I was torn down to nothing. We started a business together and when I went to sign the corporation papers, she was listed as having 60%. The lease was in her name as well. But, I was the one doing all the work while she was gone and would only come in for me to get lunch for her. I was always the bad guy even though I took care of the kids, hers and mine from previous marriage. I did the cooking at home and the laundry. I wasn't allowed to go outside alone for fear that I may be making a secret phone call or somehow might have an independent thought. I had no money, she controlled it. If I had 10 dollars I was quizzed about why and how I had it. We had a child together, although at the time i thought it was a bad idea. I found myself kicked out of the house more times than not, sleeping on the floor of our store. I was only allowed to come back when she needed something. She threatened divorce 2 months into the marriage and since I believe in marriage, I tried to make things work. Do I sound like a man or a female victim? From everything I read on domestic violence, this is all classic. But again, I am a man.

I found myself sleeping many times with my shoes on and my clothes for fear of having to wake up in the night running away from her as she attacked me. One night, while sleeping, she attacked me and beat me up pretty badly. My nose and lips were bleeding. My face was all bruised, I had deep scratches on my stomach and chest. Earlier in the day I called and talked to her psychiatrist (yes, she was diagnosed as bipolar a few years back but refused to take her medication) and told him I feared her busting loose on me. He told me if she attacked me to call for an ambulance and have her taken to the hospital for evaluation. Well, as I said before, I am a man. In the eyes of the police and the courts, a man can never be a victim. I ran out of the house and called for an ambulance but instead the police came, no ambulance. Note that I was beaten up, was bleeding and I am the one who called. They talked to me, they then talked to her. She had no marks on her at all. She was also drunk, I was not, I don't drink. (Imagine that!) They then asked HER if she wanted to press charges and have me arrested...... ??? What???? I took pictures of my injuries and showed them and myself to the local domestic violence agency. Well, like I said before, I am a man. I wanted a protection order and to get away from her. she controled everything and I had no place to live or income if I had no protection. But, I am a man. I was told that being a man, it would be a hard uphill battle. Oh, and no money available for me for help, I had to hire my own attorney, they said. (I guess the governmanet doesn't allow domestic violence money to go to MEN because obviosly only a GAY man would be beaten up!) A few months later she finally filed for divorce but didn't want me to leave. Control, I suppose. But I left anyhow. She kept bothering me, following me, calling me. Told me she had people watching me. I was getting phone calls from people I didn't know sayiig they were gonna hurt me...... But no help for me. I finally managed to get a place for my kids and myself to live. Oh, was still working at "our" business to make any money that I could but she had the lease.... Finally had a hearing on the divorce, she agreed to leave me alone and to not bother me or come around the business. Okay, so then she calls me and cries and wants to fix it all so like a chump I say okay and after work pick up her kids and my kids and go to the house but she isn't there, calls and says she would be there in a few. Finally gets home, we have a good evening and the next morning I go to work and it was cleaned outl. She cleaned the whole place out. So I tell the judge, a woman by the way, and I get the "Oh well, too bad..." I'm a man. I should just deal with it I suppose. Well, it's been over a year now and I'm still dealing with it. Everythign we "agreed to" in the divorce, she didn't do. I left with totally nothing. Everything I had when we got together, she has, everything we bought together, she has. "Oh well, too bad......" So I got another place to live and she started in again, driving past the house, calling me up drunk. Begging me to come meet her someplace or whatever. (Her ex before me, she invitred HIM to come visit her one time to "fix things" and when he got there, she had a big guy waitign for him in the house and beat him up GOOD!, I have the police report from that one, isn;t pretty, but he ran out and she turned off the lights and locked the doors. When the cops came, they didn;t anser so he got the "Oh well, guess it didn't happen" The local police told me , "Oh well, just lock your doors...." Really?! Oh, but I'm a man. I should just deal with it.

So I told her to never come near me, near my house, my work. Not to call or email me, I was tired of it. I told her if she didn't stop I would file for a Civil Protection Order. Bad idea, I suppose it scared her so SHE went and filed one! What in the name of justice is that?!?? But, I am a man, afterall. So of course, the woman judge fell for her story. Seems she told a bunch of lies about how I was stalking her, breaking into her email, calling her work to tell them she was drunk (she got in trouble I guess at work for being drunk I suppose, but then again, she is one) Blamed the report on me, but I never did anything but tell her to leave me alone. Anyhow, she cried to the judge and had the domestic violence people all behind her and made me out to be the bad guy. I am a man, ya know. So with no evidence of anything at all, and trust me, I did nothing to this woman, she was granted a CPO!!!!????? Now I'm in the process of starting an appeal. Oh, and the judge..... she ordered that I go to anger management counciling AND have a psych exam. Me, the man. I was the one who was abused, I had pictures of me in the court room, I had it all but what did she have? She cried. The judge even mentioned that her crying made it seem like she was being truthful. Me, the man, all full of lies. And the pictures? Nothing. She said I was holding her hostage and she had to fight back. Sure, it was truth because she is a woman.

So, with this sad tale, why would a man seek out any help? There isn't any, only sideways looks and disbelief. I suppose they hit us because we deserve it or maybe we did something to cause it. It's all our own fault we get beaten up.... Right? But itsn't that what society said about the FEMALE abused many years back??? How is being a man any different? So thanks alot, society. Sorry I was born a man and feel that no matter what, I won't beat anyone up. Lesson learned I suppose. One of her ex's told me, when I asked about if she ever hit him.... "Yeah, she cleaned my clock pretty goood a couple of times but one time I really slugged her good a few times and she never tried it again. Is that the answer? I would think that would make me no better than the abuser, but then again, that's what society pre-judges me as anyhow, and with zero evidince of such.

onbeam (5) 09 Jan 2009 08:04 PM

this guy is sharp. If I ever have the opportunity to testify against him, I will. Please disregard his entire bleeding heart entry, and if you have any questions, I'm sure you will be able to contact me. I hereby give the right to any law enforcement official to trace this message if necessary.

mcmama (51723) 09 Jan 2009 08:18 PM

onbeam, Are you personally acquainted with the person who made the comment above yours?

There are men in my divorce support group who could tell a similiar story. I don't think his entry is "bleeding heart" and I am mystified as to why you would want to testify against him. Are you threatening him?

Families.com will cooperate with any law enforcement agency that obtains the proper court orders. The "right" is not yours to give.

Loggerhead (5) 22 Mar 2009 08:11 PM

I've often wondered what degree it takes to make a married man feel abused by his wife. Where the line for a man to abuse his wife is always clear: a gentleman does not hit a woman; the line for a woman appears to be obfuscated and take on many different means to achieve the desired end for her. I admit it sounds and feels a little pathetic. However, in my case I find I've observed the following behaviors:

1. Isolation of the subject from Friends and Family (Any outside source of emotional support/stability). 2. Absolute absence of solidarity or support internally 3. Possible cues of sociopathic/psychopathic tendencies 4. Guises and posturing to build positions of trust 5. Barbs and condescending behavior toward subject 6. Lack of Accountability/Responsibility for mutually affective actions

These all to be tied in together in the case I'm experiencing. I know what I'm reporting is first person and subjective, but its happening none the less and I guess if I can approach it as collected as possible, I can try to make sense or identify the underlying issue. Now here are the concessions I'd make:

I admit I'm a difficult person to get along with. I have viscious ADD, I've been behind the financial 8-ball for about 2 years, and I'm the runt of my family. Its been my mantra, however, for years, that no matter how ugly she get's, I never hit back. And I haven't. I've had plates thrown at me, a stone tile strike my cheekbone, windshields smashed, CDs smashed and destroyed (even those of friends) and so on, my PC, which houses my entire business, is pushed to the brink of complete failure and my dogs and children are constantly surrounded by a state of anxiety.

I'm currently working with my colleagues on getting a commercial software out into the market, which means I'm particularly stressed. It also means I'm a bit focused on what I'm trying to accomplish. For the past 10 months, I've been enduring an unbelieveable array of attention seeking behavior which, when it goes unrewarded, or underewarded, I've hell to pay.

At some point, I'm hoping having some success will enable us to part ways with the necessary finances to care for our children, safely and comfortably. I don't want to leave, but she's already angling at their custody and looking to recruit everyone around me for her big play. She's had conversations with my family and friends building a persona around me which I hope they question. I've resigned myself to whatever fallout is going to occur. I'm still trying to focus on getting my work done and producing a living for all of us, but I'm hoping that can be peacefully separate.