My Spouse Hits Me - Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?

eatmoresoap (11) 13 Jun 2008 08:00 PM

To say that no one deserves to be abused and that they should seek help outside of the relationship is very good in thought but I have found that it is not an easy thing to do when you are a man and you are being abused by your wife. My now ex wife was the classic abuser. She yelled, threatened, accused me of cheating and having secrets all the time. She had me have no contact with any of my friends or family. I isolated myself because of her anger. She physically assulted me on more than one occasion. I was torn down to nothing. We started a business together and when I went to sign the corporation papers, she was listed as having 60%. The lease was in her name as well. But, I was the one doing all the work while she was gone and would only come in for me to get lunch for her. I was always the bad guy even though I took care of the kids, hers and mine from previous marriage. I did the cooking at home and the laundry. I wasn't allowed to go outside alone for fear that I may be making a secret phone call or somehow might have an independent thought. I had no money, she controlled it. If I had 10 dollars I was quizzed about why and how I had it. We had a child together, although at the time i thought it was a bad idea. I found myself kicked out of the house more times than not, sleeping on the floor of our store. I was only allowed to come back when she needed something. She threatened divorce 2 months into the marriage and since I believe in marriage, I tried to make things work. Do I sound like a man or a female victim? From everything I read on domestic violence, this is all classic. But again, I am a man.

I found myself sleeping many times with my shoes on and my clothes for fear of having to wake up in the night running away from her as she attacked me. One night, while sleeping, she attacked me and beat me up pretty badly. My nose and lips were bleeding. My face was all bruised, I had deep scratches on my stomach and chest. Earlier in the day I called and talked to her psychiatrist (yes, she was diagnosed as bipolar a few years back but refused to take her medication) and told him I feared her busting loose on me. He told me if she attacked me to call for an ambulance and have her taken to the hospital for evaluation. Well, as I said before, I am a man. In the eyes of the police and the courts, a man can never be a victim. I ran out of the house and called for an ambulance but instead the police came, no ambulance. Note that I was beaten up, was bleeding and I am the one who called. They talked to me, they then talked to her. She had no marks on her at all. She was also drunk, I was not, I don't drink. (Imagine that!) They then asked HER if she wanted to press charges and have me arrested...... ??? What???? I took pictures of my injuries and showed them and myself to the local domestic violence agency. Well, like I said before, I am a man. I wanted a protection order and to get away from her. she controled everything and I had no place to live or income if I had no protection. But, I am a man. I was told that being a man, it would be a hard uphill battle. Oh, and no money available for me for help, I had to hire my own attorney, they said. (I guess the governmanet doesn't allow domestic violence money to go to MEN because obviosly only a GAY man would be beaten up!) A few months later she finally filed for divorce but didn't want me to leave. Control, I suppose. But I left anyhow. She kept bothering me, following me, calling me. Told me she had people watching me. I was getting phone calls from people I didn't know sayiig they were gonna hurt me...... But no help for me. I finally managed to get a place for my kids and myself to live. Oh, was still working at "our" business to make any money that I could but she had the lease.... Finally had a hearing on the divorce, she agreed to leave me alone and to not bother me or come around the business. Okay, so then she calls me and cries and wants to fix it all so like a chump I say okay and after work pick up her kids and my kids and go to the house but she isn't there, calls and says she would be there in a few. Finally gets home, we have a good evening and the next morning I go to work and it was cleaned outl. She cleaned the whole place out. So I tell the judge, a woman by the way, and I get the "Oh well, too bad..." I'm a man. I should just deal with it I suppose. Well, it's been over a year now and I'm still dealing with it. Everythign we "agreed to" in the divorce, she didn't do. I left with totally nothing. Everything I had when we got together, she has, everything we bought together, she has. "Oh well, too bad......" So I got another place to live and she started in again, driving past the house, calling me up drunk. Begging me to come meet her someplace or whatever. (Her ex before me, she invitred HIM to come visit her one time to "fix things" and when he got there, she had a big guy waitign for him in the house and beat him up GOOD!, I have the police report from that one, isn;t pretty, but he ran out and she turned off the lights and locked the doors. When the cops came, they didn;t anser so he got the "Oh well, guess it didn't happen" The local police told me , "Oh well, just lock your doors...." Really?! Oh, but I'm a man. I should just deal with it.

So I told her to never come near me, near my house, my work. Not to call or email me, I was tired of it. I told her if she didn't stop I would file for a Civil Protection Order. Bad idea, I suppose it scared her so SHE went and filed one! What in the name of justice is that?!?? But, I am a man, afterall. So of course, the woman judge fell for her story. Seems she told a bunch of lies about how I was stalking her, breaking into her email, calling her work to tell them she was drunk (she got in trouble I guess at work for being drunk I suppose, but then again, she is one) Blamed the report on me, but I never did anything but tell her to leave me alone. Anyhow, she cried to the judge and had the domestic violence people all behind her and made me out to be the bad guy. I am a man, ya know. So with no evidence of anything at all, and trust me, I did nothing to this woman, she was granted a CPO!!!!????? Now I'm in the process of starting an appeal. Oh, and the judge..... she ordered that I go to anger management counciling AND have a psych exam. Me, the man. I was the one who was abused, I had pictures of me in the court room, I had it all but what did she have? She cried. The judge even mentioned that her crying made it seem like she was being truthful. Me, the man, all full of lies. And the pictures? Nothing. She said I was holding her hostage and she had to fight back. Sure, it was truth because she is a woman.

So, with this sad tale, why would a man seek out any help? There isn't any, only sideways looks and disbelief. I suppose they hit us because we deserve it or maybe we did something to cause it. It's all our own fault we get beaten up.... Right? But itsn't that what society said about the FEMALE abused many years back??? How is being a man any different? So thanks alot, society. Sorry I was born a man and feel that no matter what, I won't beat anyone up. Lesson learned I suppose. One of her ex's told me, when I asked about if she ever hit him.... "Yeah, she cleaned my clock pretty goood a couple of times but one time I really slugged her good a few times and she never tried it again. Is that the answer? I would think that would make me no better than the abuser, but then again, that's what society pre-judges me as anyhow, and with zero evidince of such.

onbeam (5) 09 Jan 2009 08:04 PM

this guy is sharp. If I ever have the opportunity to testify against him, I will. Please disregard his entire bleeding heart entry, and if you have any questions, I'm sure you will be able to contact me. I hereby give the right to any law enforcement official to trace this message if necessary.

mcmama (51978) 09 Jan 2009 08:18 PM

onbeam, Are you personally acquainted with the person who made the comment above yours?

There are men in my divorce support group who could tell a similiar story. I don't think his entry is "bleeding heart" and I am mystified as to why you would want to testify against him. Are you threatening him?

Families.com will cooperate with any law enforcement agency that obtains the proper court orders. The "right" is not yours to give.

Loggerhead (5) 22 Mar 2009 08:11 PM

I've often wondered what degree it takes to make a married man feel abused by his wife. Where the line for a man to abuse his wife is always clear: a gentleman does not hit a woman; the line for a woman appears to be obfuscated and take on many different means to achieve the desired end for her. I admit it sounds and feels a little pathetic. However, in my case I find I've observed the following behaviors:

1. Isolation of the subject from Friends and Family (Any outside source of emotional support/stability). 2. Absolute absence of solidarity or support internally 3. Possible cues of sociopathic/psychopathic tendencies 4. Guises and posturing to build positions of trust 5. Barbs and condescending behavior toward subject 6. Lack of Accountability/Responsibility for mutually affective actions

These all to be tied in together in the case I'm experiencing. I know what I'm reporting is first person and subjective, but its happening none the less and I guess if I can approach it as collected as possible, I can try to make sense or identify the underlying issue. Now here are the concessions I'd make:

I admit I'm a difficult person to get along with. I have viscious ADD, I've been behind the financial 8-ball for about 2 years, and I'm the runt of my family. Its been my mantra, however, for years, that no matter how ugly she get's, I never hit back. And I haven't. I've had plates thrown at me, a stone tile strike my cheekbone, windshields smashed, CDs smashed and destroyed (even those of friends) and so on, my PC, which houses my entire business, is pushed to the brink of complete failure and my dogs and children are constantly surrounded by a state of anxiety.

I'm currently working with my colleagues on getting a commercial software out into the market, which means I'm particularly stressed. It also means I'm a bit focused on what I'm trying to accomplish. For the past 10 months, I've been enduring an unbelieveable array of attention seeking behavior which, when it goes unrewarded, or underewarded, I've hell to pay.

At some point, I'm hoping having some success will enable us to part ways with the necessary finances to care for our children, safely and comfortably. I don't want to leave, but she's already angling at their custody and looking to recruit everyone around me for her big play. She's had conversations with my family and friends building a persona around me which I hope they question. I've resigned myself to whatever fallout is going to occur. I'm still trying to focus on getting my work done and producing a living for all of us, but I'm hoping that can be peacefully separate.

DeshawnX (5) 29 Jul 2009 02:00 AM

Lies and secrets are one reason why marriage don't last forever. Just like what happened to Mary Jo Buttafuoco and Joey Buttafuoco. According to Mary Jo Buttafouco her husband Joey Buttafouco had sociopathic tendencies. Mary Jo Buttafuoco has made headlines again, this time for publishing a book that details the sociopathic tendencies of her ex-husband, Joey Buttafuoco. Mary Jo Buttafuoco was shot in the face by Joey's then 17 year old mistress, Amy Fisher, in 1992, and served five years in prison for the crime. Mary Jo Buttafuoco won't need an installment loan if sales are huge, but Joey may need therapy.

eatmoresoap (11) 20 Aug 2009 10:42 PM

It's been awhile but I will respond somewhat to the comment to my post by Onbeam. I'm not sure what you mean by me being "sharp". I don't see any benefit from me telling my story other than helping someone else, male or female, from the same type of abuse. Part of my therapy is telling others my story and in return it gives me strength to make sure it never happens again. Maybe you think me to be someone else but you say you would be happy to testify against me but the trouble with that is, unless one makes up something to testify to, which is telling a lie by the way, there is absolutely nothing to "testify" about. Sure, I've had to deal with a lot of lies throughout this ordeal and I still am. When it comes to a man being accused of something by a woman, the woman usually is the one to be believed regardless of evidence or proof because as a society, we are conditioned to the "man bad, woman good" mindset. Real statistics prove otherwise, we are basically equal. Yes, on some issues men are more one way than the other but the same goes for women. But even with that, are we to decide guilt or innocence based on statistics? Is that the society we live in? Should we just do away with the legal system and replace it with proof by statistics? (If you drive a red car you should be randomly stopped and given a ticket because statistically, you have been speeding more than those driving cars of another color) If that is the case then think about this.... The statistics show that if a woman is abused as a child they have a very great risk of themselves being an abuser when they grow up. My ex was abused as a child. Now granted, this comes from her so the truth may or not be there but I believe much of it. Her parents were drunks. She lived most of the time with her very strict grandmother. She was raped more than once by her older brother and a friend of his. Her parents were into drugs and she herself became involved in them to the point where she was arrested and sent to prison when she was 17, I think that was her age. She became pregnant at 18 or19, had to live with her boyfriend's family for a time. Her boyfriend was also a drunk and a drug abuser. (He also gained full custody of their child when they divorced and out of two drunks and drug abusing parents she must have really been bad for the male to get full custody) Me, I lived a normal childhood. My parents are still married. They don't drink and my father will only smoke a cigar from time to time. No beatings, nothing thrown at me, no one drunk or abusive. Who is at risk here to be the abuser if we look at the statistics? You see, that's the problem with the "one size fits all" thinking. The kneejerk reaction is that the man is always guilty and when our reality is challenged we turn a blind eye to the obvious.

If you read in the paper or hear on the television or radio that a woman killed her husband, are you shocked or, do you immediately think that she must have been forced to kill him? No information other than a woman killed her husband and a lot of people have to justify it because we have been trained that way. On the flip side, a man kills is wife, he's guilty. No two ways about it. If you doubt the truth of this, lookup the death of Phil Hartman, ex Saturday Night Live member, character actor and comedian. He was a very real victim of domestic abuse and violence yet having a man who is a victim of domestic abuse isn't sexy enough to make much noise over and, as I said, in the back of most people's minds they think he deserved it so there is no sympathy afforded his death.

There are many woman out there who use this to their advantage, my abuser certainly has used it over and over again and continues to abuse me and my family through the courts where she has a sympathetic ear from the female magistrate.

So again, I'm not sure what it is you would be testifying against me about unless it's more self serving fabrications that I've been a victim of for a long time now since finally getting away from her. That's a passive aggressive way of abusing the victim. I was also wondering how you believe your post to be so important or powerful that law enforcement would feel compelled to trace your whereabouts. Very, very odd.

You call me a bleeding heart but who is it bleeding for? I'm telling my story and that's just how it is. I'm sorry if it threatens your reality or your idea of how the world works but the truth is the truth no matter how uncomfortable it makes you. You attempt to invalidate me by "accusing" me of somehow being a sham, a liar, "sharp", a bleeding heart. I don't feel threatened by your words but your words show that you possibly are the one threatened by having the truth out here for all to see. That would explain the very short and disturbing rant. I'm mature enough and my eyes are now wide open to persons who have to hurt or destroy what they don't like or agree with instead of understanding that not everyone is like they want them to be so I just dismiss it because that's as much thought as it deserves.

If this person does indeed know me then it would not be surprising that the stalking and harassing has ventured onto the internet, people like this can't move on, they sometimes need to seek out their abused to reinforce their feeling of superiority and self worth. They need their "fix" to take away their thoughts of failure, hopelessness and feeling that they are not adequate in whatever. Same as when someone kicks a dog when they are angry. They have to be the master and they have to "prove it" anyway they can even if the proof is a lie.

I have this memory of my abuser that I always thought was odd. She was the busiest person in town. She really was! And she would tell you so and make sure that you knew that. She always had "things to do" but I was never worthy enough to be told what all these busy things were because she was too busy and I was too stupid to understand. But I finally realized that the one who is actually the busiest person in town is never noticed. They are too busy to go around making sure everyone knows how busy they are. They aren't seeking validation, they are just honestly busy. As it turned out, my abuser was rarely busy at anything other than dreaming up ways of how I was plotting against her and how she could get me first. Me, I was just busy being her understanding yet latest and very stupid victim.

To the comments by Loggerhead, I also saw the same behaviors and then some. I really and truly had the image in my head of being a yo-yo. She would go a full 2 weeks, and I do mean a full 2 weeks, of constant verbal abuse where it would build to the point where I would pull inward because I knew from experience she was going to blow. But at times during these 2 weeks, she would see that I was getting quiet and trying to not say or do something that she could turn into something negative and she would then quickly snap out of it and be nice and say she was sorry only to have me come out of my shell so that she could have her play thing back. I had kind words and actions dangled in front of me like the carrot from the stick just to be lured into more of the same. Of course, after she would blow up, we had 1 MAYBE 2 days that I called the "magic day" and in that day or 2 she would be overly, syrupy sweet, nice and wipe away the previous 2 weeks and then the cycle would start again. I've been where you are at and trust me; it will never get any different. Where you are at right now you will be at in 10 years unless of course one of you ends up dead. You have to be the one to break the cycle and get out and get away. No matter what your personal issues are, there is no reason to continue to help her abuse you.

Just before you list the ways that she abuses you, you felt the need to first list your faults. You said "I'm a difficult person to get along with. I have vicious ADD, I've been behind the financial 8-ball for about 2 years, and I'm the runt of my family...." So what? You just justified her abusing you! I did the same thing but I finally got out and away and so can you. None of us are perfect. No one. We are all entitled to our quirks, differences, thoughts, feelings, views, faults and failures. If there is something about yourself that you personally don't like then change it!! Don't continue to let your negative feelings about yourself be exploited by someone who will use that to elevate themselves on your pain. Get out and get out now. What is stopping you from walking out right now with just the clothes on your back? Do you cherish and embrace that situation you are in or do you wish your life was different? Who has the power t make it different? Her or you? I slept on a storeroom floor for months and months but I got out. I endured her stalking me and her drunken phone threats but I got out. I have withstood her legal threats, her continued attempts to undermine my life and her constant disruption to my family but I got out and I'm still out. Life is much, much better when you can speak and move freely without the fear of being shown how bad you are, being kicked, punched, stabbed or poisoned. Get out and don't look back. Stop the excuses; take it from someone who knows. As far as the "big play" you say she is doing, you should have been gathering overwhelming evidence of your abuse and not just an account of what she did. You need dates, times, pictures AND more than one person, not your best buddy or family, to be aware of the incidents. Don't rely on the courts to help you, you are already judged guilty due to being in possession of a Y chromosome and you have to really and truly go over the top to show that you are not. Take this following lesson to heart....... My number one regret is this, after one particularly bad beating, instead of feeling sorry for her and understanding her "sickness" I should have presented myself to the local authorities to have them take the pictures of my bruises, my busted lip, swollen face and jaw and deep scratches. Then I should have taken myself to the courthouse and filed for a civil protection order and I should have removed my children from the house until she was served with the papers. That would have been the justice and protection that my family and I needed and still need. In that one decision, to "feel sorry" for her" gave her the foothold she needed to begin a verbal campaign against me in every way so that everyone was too busy taking in all the bad things she piled onto my character to look at her and the obvious cracks in her stories. It just turned anything I could possibly say as suspect of being a childish "Oh yeah well she does it worse!" worthless accusation. Get out and if you ever want to see those kids again. Take proof with you as well as the kids.

To Deshawnx, lies and secrets are indeed good reasons why some marriages will not last forever but they are not a reason for one of the members of the marriage to abuse the other. If one in the marriage has a penchant for lies and secrets, beating them up is not going to make things better. However, what bothers me the most in your post is how you go on about Joey Buttafuoco and his "sociopathic tendencies" yet it was Amy Fisher, not Joey, who shot Mary Jo in the face. But, we all know that Amy must have somehow been a victim of Joey and his almost magical way of being able control her as some sort of mind controlled zombie to do his bidding and have her shoot his wife in the face. This brings to my mind Ockham's Razor. In Ockham's Razor, or theory, and again this is back to statistics, in all of nature, the simplest path is the one usually taken and the simplest explanation of most events is usually correct. Was Joey a sleaze? Sure, at least that's the way we've been told it. Did he cheat on his wife? Yes. Was he responsible for his wife getting shot in the face? No. Amy Fisher was and that's why she went to prison for 5 years. As much as we would love to send to prison the man (Joey), and feel sorry for the woman (and almost certain unwilling victim of zombie-like mind control, the poor dear, Amy), it just wasn't able to happen that way but in the public's mind, somehow he was able to control that girl to do his evil and conspiratorial bidding.

In closing, I certainly hope Onbeam will be unable to see past my sharp and bleeding heart post and identify my hidden lies and treachery that is so cleverly contained therein. I don't want to find him or her testifying against me in some mystery court over it.

afgncaap (25) 18 Nov 2009 05:02 PM

I need advice. I am in a situation worse than Onbeam's was. My wife abuses have been going on for several years and include:

* Calling me names (she calls them "titles" to describe my behavior in her words, "titles" she claims that I earned and deserved) almost every day whenever I do things that go against her (i.e. not listening to her or following her instructions or hugging and kissing her when she picks me up from school/ research work). These "titles" include expletives that I will not include here and "Piece of Junk," "useless," "bastard," etc. She calls me these titles even though I have told her more than once that I do not like being called by them, and she asserts that they are deserved. * Since the second month of our marriage (August 2006), she repeatedly pinches me hard sometimes drawing blood. When I complain about the pain, she says that I am self-centered, that I care only about my looks, that "I am a wimp," that I "deserved it and should take it like a man." * She often smacks me with her hand, sometimes with closed fist, other times with open palm. Quite often, she claims that it hurts her hand, so she either smacks me more (while verbably blaiming me for the pain in her hand) either with her hand or with an object like a TV remote.

afgncaap (25) 18 Nov 2009 05:39 PM

Accidentally hit the wrong button before I finished my comment...

More on my comments above: * She also accuses me of cheating just about everyday. Her definition of cheating, though, is strict beyond reason, as my wife says that she considers cheating to include just the thought of cheating. In other words, if I think about cheating on my wife with someone else, I have just cheated -- even if I never physically cheat on her. This cheating often amounts to my wife saying that I became distracted by another woman (say, when that other woman happens to walk by). When I tell my wife that I was not distracted, she tells me that I am in denial, I will never change, and I am a piece of #$@@$# (one of the expletive titles I mentioned in my cut off comment above). * On several occasions, my wife said that she has had very terrible dreams often involving me cheating on her or my family has done something to harm her in some way or another. Every time, she blames me for her dreams saying that I gave them to her. I have tried telling her that it is impossible for me to give her dreams because dreams are creations of one's own mind, and I am not physic, nor do I have telepathy. It didn't work, as she still claims that I gave her these dreams. * If I look at her with an angry face, or happen to cringe my forehead to make it look as if I am upset at her (even though I was not), she gets upset and calls me names. * She has been threatening divorce since after the first month of our marriage (July 2006). * She has forced me to sign papers saying if I ever walk out on her again (yes, I have when I couldn't handle her abuse) that I will hand over all of my properties including the clothes I am wearing on my back.

Here's where my situation is worse. Unlike other abused men who do not hit back, I have gotten upset enough that I forgot about being a gentleman and hit her. This had happened five times since June 2007. I apologized each time after I hit her and promised not to hit her again. However, the last time I hit her was in public, I hit her on the face (granted, not hard enough to leave a bruise or break anything, luckily, but that doesn't matter since I hit her after all). I decided to take responsibility for my action, so I told her to call the police, which she did. Originally, I was charged with a felony. However, the court reduced my case to a misdemeanor after my wife gave documents to support me. I am currently on parole with a no-disturb order, and am living with my wife.

As you can tell, now have a bad record against me because I was not able to take my wife's abuse "like a man" and responded with hitting her in return -- very bad moves on my part (ones that I wish I could take back and obviously can not) even though my wife has pinched me and smacked me with her hands and objects many more times than I had hit her with my hand.

Things seemed to get slightly better these last few months. However, the abuse escalated very high on Monday night when my wife wanted me to drive at 12:40AM, so we could watch the Leonid meteor shower. At 12AM I had said yes just to keep her quiet, so I could study. When 12:40AM came by, I asked her if we could cancel since I am sleepy. She told me to "lower your #@$@#in voice," to a whisper, and when I didn't she got upset. She still insisted that I get dressed and drive her. During the whole trip, she mouthed off at me saying things that I found very scary and disturbing including that I "deserve to go back to jail," and I "should commit suicide but you never will because you are too much of a coward." Earlier today when she picked me up for lunch, she threatened to take me to court to fill out the divorce papers just because I forgot to hug and kiss her when I got into the car.

At this point, I am scared to go back home because I will likely get more abuse from her. My friends at grad school do not know about this mainly because I have not told anyone about my jail time (since I went to jail after being accepted to the Ph.D. program, and I am worried what reaction my advisors / peers would have if I told them).

What should I do? Should I tell my story to one of my advisors or peer students even though I may risk not getting funding for next year in my Ph.D. program? Should I ask one of the students if I can stay with them? When my wife comes to pick me up at 5:15PM, should I hide somewhere on the campus building, so she can't find me? Should I tell one of the facility guards not to let her in when she comes to pick me up? (My wife has my driver's license, money, credit cards, and car, so I cannot drive nor can I buy myself anything. I used to have a campus ID with a transit pass on the back, but strangely it vanished from my laptop luggage about a month ago when she grabbed my open laptop luggage from the back seat and several items fell out. I searched the car thoroughly several times, and didn't find it in the car. My wife claims she doesn't know where it is. I had looked briefly in her purse and did not see it there. Granted, I haven't had a chance to thoroughly check her purse to see if it is there.)

Thank you for reading my long comments, and I appreciate your advice.