How to Ask for More Sex from Your Husbandby Mary Ann Romans | More from this Blogger 09 Feb 2009 10:36 AM
Actually in reality, low sexual desire in a marriage is an issue that originates with the husband 50 percent of the time (according to Bob Berkowitz, a relationship expert and author of He's Just Not Up for It Anymore). That means that there are many wives out there who may desire more sex and want more intimacy but just aren't getting it. While there could be several reasons for lack of sex by a husband in a marriage (not that I said lack of sex not lack of sexual desire), the first step if you are a wife in this situation is to broach the subject with your husband. This may sound easier than it is. Typically what happens is that the wife becomes hurt when a husband shows less of an interest in sex. And this hurt can quickly turn into anger. The husband feels this anger from his wife, and it just may make things worse. The angrier the wife is, the less the husband may want to engage in sexual activity with her, according to Michele Weiner Davis. She is the author of the book, The Sex Starved Wife. I haven't read either of these books, myself, but I thought the points from the authors during interviews were interesting. So what do you do if you are a wife in this situation? Try to put your hurt and anger aside. Talk to your husband without accusing. Explain that you miss being intimate and close with him. Don't blame the situation on anyone, just let him know your feelings. The two of you may decide together to seek professional help. The other thing you can do as a wife is to praise and compliment him whenever he does initiate sexual contact or physical closeness and let him know how much you enjoy it. I'd love to hear from men on this subject. Is my advice on track or full of it? What are some reasons you would have less of an interest in sex? Mary Ann Romans writes about everything related to saving money in the Frugal Blog, creating a home in the Home Blog, caring for little ones in the Baby Blog and now relationships in the Marriage Blog. You can read more of her articles by clicking here. Related Articles: Sexy Valentine's Gifts for Your Spouse Learn more about Mary Ann Romans  Mary Ann Romans is a freelance writer, wife and mother of three children. She lives in Pennsylvania with her husband, the kids and a 16-pound cat. Relevantmarriage tags User Comments pastfirst (135) 10 Feb 2009 05:09 AMYou are so right. Men are often more sensative than women, especially when their masculinity is in question. When a wife shows anger, the husband questions his self-worth, which in-turn dinishes his libido.  Mary Ann Romans (26876) 10 Feb 2009 06:43 AMThanks for the insightful comment! That is a good point about self-worth. Jhshigley (5) 21 Feb 2009 03:48 AMHow about when the shoe is on the other foot. I have been dealing with this for years (20+year marriage). I am still in love and very attracted to my wife. However, I feel as though it is not reciprocated. Probably because every time I try to kiss or touch her she jumps. So much for being spontaneous. I have tried on numerous occasions to talk about it. She just blows it off or blames it on the onset of menopause. I guess menopause started in her early thrity's. She will have sex with me, but it feels more to me like I am being done a favor. I don't really need any favors. By the way, I'm no slouch either. I haven't let myself go, I am involved with our kids, I share in the housework and sometimes cook (maybe not as much as she does but she does not paint the house, do the remodel jobs, cut the grass, keep the cars up etc. so kinda comes out in the wash). I don't control her, she goes out with "the girls", I am more of a homebody. To be honest, I don't even want to share a bed anymore -- it is torture. I do have a little pride and far be it from me to be where I am not wanted. I'd rather be alone. So how do I handle it. I just suck it up and remember my wedding vows and know that I want our children to have both parents. I made a commitment and I am keeping it. Mary Ann Romans (26876) 21 Feb 2009 05:57 AMThe best way to deal with this is through communication. However, if she won't talk with you, it might be a good idea to talk with someone else, a professional, together. Realize that as hurt as you may feel, her lack of interest in sex may have nothing to do with you. She may have a hurt that needs healing within herself. It is difficult as the neglected spouse not to feel angry, hurt and want to just throw everything away to protect yourself. But keep working at it and trust in the love that you share. Peppersss (10) 23 Feb 2009 01:31 PMJhShigley- I think we are in very much the same boat, man. We have been married for 22 years, I still love my wife and am very attracted to her. But she won't give me the time of day in bed, and I have all but stopped any advances because she was just "doing me a favor" each time, and that is not a turn on at all. I might as well just masterbate. I feel the same about my commitment and the kids are doing well at 17 and 15. However, I am looking into the future and I KNOW I don't want to go without physical intimacy the rest of my life! This is such a conundrum, I am at a loss as to what to do. We are in couneling to work on it, and she says that she has lost the desire because she doesn't feel like I am part of the team. I have looked at this closely, and while I am very much a equal participant in chores, cooking etc., I am not so great at remembering the schedule of what is happening when and whith whom, such as an appointment for one of the kids etc. So I am doing everything I can to change my awareness level and making sure that I am staying connected with what is happening on the family schedule, making sure that I do the little things she likes (like pointing the shower head back down after my shower so that ....well you know how these things go), and generally keeping my head in the home-game, not just the work game. Of course non of this will be effective if I am just doing this for her so that she will "like" me again. It would build resentment and I probably would not succeed at fulfilling her if I don't own this change I am trying to make in myself. If I really want to be with her, I will have to change myself because we all know that you can't change the other person. We actually have been working on this for a very long time (although we were still having sex up until about a year ago), but I never really been able to satisfy her needs from this perspective. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps she is protecting herself and avoiding vulnerability (r.e., intimacy) by remaining unsatisfied, and that is why what I do is never good enough. Another problem is that I am hesitant to take any initiative with things because she usually has a criticism as to how I went about it and/or redirects me to do another task first because I am not prioritizing things the way she would. As you can probably tell, there are a lot of issues potentially involved here, and I think I need to sit down and do some more writing. This little exercise alone has got me thinking quite a bit, and I am sorry if it sounds a little disjointed. Either way, I am not happy and I don't want to live the rest of my life that way. Thanks for listening. Peppersss (10) 23 Feb 2009 01:37 PMI need to clarify something. In the second to last paragraph of my last post I said, "but I never really been able to satisfy her needs from this perspective". In this statement I am referring to her needs to have me be more a part of the team, not her sexual needs. When we had a sex life, the sex itself was admittedly quite good from both parties :). patch84 (5) 22 Apr 2009 08:42 AM20 years...My husband and I haven't even been together for 2! I'm expecting our 2nd child, and this whole pregnancy he has drifted away from me. I haven't gained much weight at all, and I can't even get him to kiss me half the time, he hardly hugs me...We have a great relationship for the most part, but I can't get him to have anything else to do with me other than conversation. I have to come to him for everything. He doesn't deny me if I want a kiss or a hug, but when it comes to sex he's not interested. Last night I went out for a bit and before I left whispered a few sexy things in his ear. He sounded really interested in what I had to say, but when I got home...nothing. I undressed while he was in the shower and waited for him. He just gets in the bed and watches t.v. WTF?! I asked why he didn't want to have sex with me and he said he did want to, but that was the end of the conversation. I sat there and nothing happened...so I layed down and went to sleep. I woke up this morning to him masturbating in the bathroom before work! It really hurt my feelings, and I feel so ugly. He then tries to come hug me and tell me he loves me, but yet he wont touch me....confusing. Dawn135 (22) 14 Jun 2009 05:40 PMI used to be the one who turned him away. Now I am lucky to get a kiss goodnight. I have even woken him up with for something "special" and he told me the next day it interrupted his digestion cycle. He tells me he doesn't want any sex, just doesn't feel like it and when I try to cozy up/ cuddle up or even fondle him to get him going, we have sex and I end up feeling like I forced myself on him. He says he loves me but just doesn't want to be touched. No sense at all. I miss the kissing the most. Community Tags intimacy, marriage, sex, sexual relationship Discuss this article
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The stereotypical view of sex issues in a marriage are that the woman pulls back, has headaches or fakes sleep to get out of sex. It is usually the man who wants more sex and the woman less, right? I cringe when I hear such stuff coming out of popular culture. 
