He Said, She Said

by Heather Long | More from this Blogger

13 Mar 2006 08:30 AM

How the argument you have is not the one you give.

It can be frustrating when you have a disagreement with your spouse and what you say is not what you mean. Why do we do that? I know a number of married couples that experience the same set of frustrations when they argue. It's extremely typical for wives to commiserate over their husbands who never understand them and for husbands to represent their wives as the boss who nags.

Sadly, I have to confess that part of the reason it's so typical is because that's what happens.

What frustrates me is why it happens. For example, when my husband becomes too preoccupied with a game he likes to play - he can be at it for hours on end. It can be exceptionally annoying - not because he's not helping out around the house and not because he's playing, but because there is a perception that he'd rather be doing that than anything else.

The problem is - this is a perception compounded by his actions.

What would make more sense? For me to express my desire that he spend more time with me or for me to argue and badger him to stop playing his game so much?

Yes, I agree - the former is more sensible than the latter. Instead, each time the topic that has come up, it is the latter argument that I have made. Even as I say the things, I find myself exceptionally frustrated with the topic.

He complained last night that all I seemed to be doing was trying to make him feel guilty. That was not my intent, although that was exactly what I was doing. I admitted as much and that startled him.

When I told him that he acted like the game was more important, he denied it. I suggested that he examine his own behavior. How many hours did he actually play? How did he behave when I 'interrupted' him? What was his behavior when he took his 'five minute breaks' to come and see what I was doing?

He indicated that he didn't see that he was doing anything different from normal. Trying to not start accusing and criticisizing him - I pointed out how I felt. I told him that he seemed impatient whenever he took his 'breaks' and that his conversation felt stilted and anxious. Essentially, I felt like he was more interested in getting back to his game than spending time with me.

This observation startled him.

He assured me that this was not true.

However, we're in a he said, she said situation. This is where I get frustrated and so does he. I know that my initial argument was not what I actually felt. The response he gave to my initial argument was escalated the disagreement between us.

It's important to stay on target when you argue. It's even more important to keep your arguments about how YOU feel and not what THEY are doing. The hardest part of using 'I' language is that we are very defensive about ourselves - in order to maintain our personal emotional defenses - many of us will go on the offensive. Which leaves us in he said, she said situations.

As hard as it can be to present your argument in 'I' language, it's important to do so, I'm going to talk about using 'I' language this week and how we can do it. Take a deep breath and remember, when we argue - a win is not the other party capitulating to our argument - a win is when they hear and understand our argument.

Learn more about Heather Long

Heather Long is 35 years old and currently lives in Wylie, Texas. She has been a freelance writer for six years. Her husband and she met while working together at America Online over ten years ago.

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