Great Expectations - Housewives versus Career Wives

by Heather Long | More from this Blogger

06 Apr 2006 06:00 PM

Did you know that one of the largest sources of stress for husbands in the modern day is an inability to provide enough for their families so that their wife can stay home? It might seem surprising that this is an actual source of stress considering the trend of women who want to work and who competed to work in the workplace.

"There's a difference," offered one husband in a recent survey. "If my wife wants to work, that's great. If she brings in more money than me, that's great. I don't want her to have to work if she doesn't want to."

Ultimately, the male in any relationship is designated as the provider and the protector. When he cannot provide and protect his family adequately enough on his own and must have his wife's help to provide; it creates stress.

What about husband's who stay at home while their wives work? Don't they experience the same stress? To a degree, yes. But when a man elects to be a stay-at-home dad, he's usually comfortable with his role in the family and his masculinity. He still provides for his family by taking on the role of nurturer while his wife handles bringing home the bacon, so to speak.

Still, in the grand scheme of things, stay-at-home dads are considered unusual. Dual income families are actually the normal and stay-at-home wives and moms are regaining some foothold, but not to the degree they did fifty years ago. Yes, the world has changed, but expectations no matter how modern are now skewed.

Can a woman be a wife, a mother and a career woman? Can a woman elect to be a career woman, then a wife and then a stay-at-home mom? What about women that want to be wives but not mothers? How about men who want to be husbands, but don't want their wives to work?

The answer to all of these is yes. Men and women in modern day America have a lot of options, sometimes it may seem like they have too many options. But what it boils down to is what works for you and your spouse. For years after my daughter was born, I took it for granted that my husband supported my staying home with our daughter. He did support it. Yet when financial burdens required that I expand my working hours to increase the income, he balked. Not because he minded that I wanted to do the work - he minded that I had to do the work.

Just as you want to take care of your husband and provide for him a safe haven from the world, so do most husbands want to do the same for their wives. In an ideal world, one income would meet all the basic needs and the second would be gravy. Unfortunately, most of us do not live in an ideal world so we have to make it work and sometimes we have to make sacrifices whether it's time, items or choices.

It's important to remember that if your husband is stressing over your work choices, his stress may not be because you want to work. His stress may be directly related to the fact that he feels like he is at fault that you have to work. By the same token, husbands need to recognize that your wife may or may not want to do it all.

Talk to each other about your expectations. Yes, you likely did when you got married, but individual expectations change over time and so do a couple's. You may have very well wanted to be a stay-at-home wife and mom ten years ago. That does not invalidate the need to want to go back to work now. Your husband may resent that you are working because it seems to keep you away from the children and him; or he may just be aggravated with himself that you have to do it.

When you talk about your expectations, it may not make the feelings of inadequacy or overcompensation go away - but by sharing it, you can share the burden and prevent personal molehills from becoming mountains.

What are your expectations today?

Learn more about Heather Long

Heather Long is 35 years old and currently lives in Wylie, Texas. She has been a freelance writer for six years. Her husband and she met while working together at America Online over ten years ago.

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Jen (314) 07 Apr 2006 11:58 AM

My husband definitely thinks this way. When he was laid off unexpectedly a few years ago I brought up the idea of me getting a job to tide us over until he had a new job. Wow. I did NOT expect the reaction I got! My innocent suggestion, that to me sounded very reasonable, had him feeling a thousand times worse about the situation.

Personally, I love being a stay at home mom, and I really appreciate how hard my husband works to support our family on his own. We've had to make sacrifices to make it work, but we both feel it's worth it.

Heather Long (16954) 07 Apr 2006 03:56 PM

Jennifer,

That's great. Yes, it does take a lot of sacrifice and I love being a stay at home mom. My freelance work allows me the schedule and the time to work from home. It's not always easy and I know my husband would rather I just did this for fun. I've helped him to reconcile the emotion by letting him know how much I do enjoy doing what I do.

Thatnks for sharing!