For Richer/For Poorer

by Heather Long | More from this Blogger

30 May 2006 05:00 PM

Financial issues are some of the hardest issues to come between spouses. No one likes to talk about money. No one likes to struggle with finding a few bills from column a to put them into column b just to borrow them back out for column c.

Unfortunately, financial issues are a big deal in our times. Whether you blame the slow economy on a normal settling after the tech rich 90s or a result of policies foreign or domestic, there's never been a better time to become more financially aware.

Balancing the Burden

In many relationships, one person or the other may have a particular set of talents or interests that allow them to take lead. For example, one partner may be very good at handling the taxes; the other may be better at balancing the checkbook. They may split the tasks up, dividing the responsibilities to allow one or other to take the lead.

It's important, however, that the burden never be placed in such a fashion that one partner has superiority over the other. This is often in the best interests of the relationship and personal achievement more than any thing else.

If you want one partner to handle writing all the checks, but that should not absolve the other partner of maintaining a healthy awareness of the financial conditions. First and foremost, it relieves the burden and onus of saying yes or no from one partner and making it a joint decision.

It's also about pooling information, let's be honest here - we all have different life experiences. If you close the door on the opportunity to share ideas and brainstorm your solutions, then you may be limiting not only your financial stability, but also the ability of your relationship to grow and develop.

Pooling Your Resources

For years, my husband and I broke down tasks to some of their most basic elements. He handled the finances, while I managed the legal stuff. If it came to writing a check or handling a bill, it was up to him to figure out which ones to deal with and in what order. When it came to handling paperwork or tracking down details - that was my specialty.

In the first couple of years we were together, we did well in these areas. But we also talked about them with each other. Maybe we didn't go into a lot of details, but we still bounced ideas off. At some point, I can't really put my finger on when - we stopped doing that.

He just paid the bills and while I knew some of them, I never knew enough the pieces to put together the whole picture. He could say the same about our legal paperwork from taxes to business relationships to property.

About four or five years ago, that not knowing created problems between us. I wasn't aware of his burdens, he wasn't aware of mine and both of us were under the mistaken impression that we were alone in our troubles.

Two Heads Are Better than One

After one disagreement too many, we sat down and began to talk, in earnest about what our individual issues were. What we discovered is that instead of just taking lead in our individual areas of strength, we'd taken it over completely. I didn't know the big picture, he didn't know the big picture. It took us a few days to hammer it all out.

A few days of headaches and pounding pulses and more than a few timeouts to cool tempers - we both were able to take a good long look at where we were and what got us there. I actually came up with a few ideas that helped smooth out some wrinkles in the finances and he asked why we were holding onto one particular lease when we really didn't need it.

What we discovered is what we'd known in the beginning and somehow managed to forget or perhaps mismanaged in our time together. Our strength is not only in our particular areas or talents, but also in our ability to give and receive advice. Just asking if something is possible can spark a new idea and even if you only have but a very small piece of the puzzle - you can provide an option that your spouse may not have thought about.

It goes both ways.

Learn more about Heather Long

Heather Long is 35 years old and currently lives in Wylie, Texas. She has been a freelance writer for six years. Her husband and she met while working together at America Online over ten years ago.

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