Don't Fight Fire with Fire

by Mary Ann Romans | More from this Blogger

01 Feb 2009 05:57 AM

The argument starts innocently enough. One of you may have had a bad day or a bad morning and is grumbling about something. The other person walks into the room and becomes an immediate target. "Why can't you ever remember to do such and such?!?" The other person on the defensive immediately snaps back, "Well, at least I'm not always doing this, that and the other thing!" The next instant you know, you are in a full-blown argument with issues being dragged up from every direction and point in time.

This resulting argument is now blown so out of proportion that it just isn't funny.

One way to avoid such as result is to consciously not fight fire with fire. It never works. Instead, take a tip from real firefighters and use symbolic cool water to douse the flames before they get out of hand.

Of course, this is always easier said that done. When your spouse comes in criticizing or complaining or pointing fingers, the natural thing is to go on the defensive and strike back to protect yourself. But the price of that is harming your marriage. Yes, it may be true that your spouse shouldn't be treating you this way, and you can work on that together, but in the heat of the moment, when the flames begin to start, you want to put them out quickly, and then discuss the issues later.

Sometimes the easiest way to put out the fire is to listen quietly until your spouse runs out of oxygen (fire needs oxygen to burn, and I love the metaphor, as you can tell). Usually a quizzical look in his direction may be enough for your spouse to realize what he is doing. If you need to respond, do so in a quiet, mature manner or offer to discuss the issue in more respectful terms.

Mary Ann Romans writes about everything related to saving money in the Frugal Blog, creating a home in the Home Blog, caring for little ones in the Baby Blog and now relationships in the Marriage Blog. You can read more of her articles by clicking here.

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Learn more about Mary Ann Romans

Mary Ann Romans is a freelance writer, wife and mother of three children. She lives in Pennsylvania with her husband, the kids and a 16-pound cat.

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pastfirst (135) 02 Feb 2009 02:22 AM

I enjoyed your post but would like to comment on a few points. Firemen usually douse the fire when it's already out of control. They don't get called in when there are a few innocent flames. It's easier said than done to cool an argument before it becomes full blown. We're creatures of instinct and our reactions are often reflex. If we wait quietly for our spouse to run out of oxygen, we've let him have the last word...no way! (only joking). The problem is that both parties feel an uncontrolable need to prove their point.

Mary Ann Romans (26886) 02 Feb 2009 08:05 AM

pastfirst, those are great points. Not fueling the fire in the first place and practicing preventative measures is best. Thanks for the comment!

ladymadea (19) 14 Feb 2009 10:55 AM

I really enjoyed it.

Mary Ann Romans (26886) 15 Feb 2009 05:08 AM

Thank you ladymadea!