Do You Know How to Fight Fairly?

by Heather Long | More from this Blogger

22 Jun 2006 05:30 AM

Do you know how to fight fairly? I didn't. In fact, I grew up in a household where bickering was just a prelude to an all out fight where people meant what they said and there was no friendly nattering going on. My husband and I had to learn the rules of how we would handle disagreements. He needed to learn how to how tone it down where I was concerned and I needed to learn to dial back my temper so that instead of hurling insults that were completely counterproductive to problem resolution.

It's hard to find a handbook on how to fight fair, it certainly isn't included in the wedding shower gifts and even more rarely amongst the gifts you receive for your wedding. Granted, there's loads of advice always available from your family, friends and of course, people like me - but again - there's no real guidebook for handling disagreements or arguments in your marriage.

The following are some tips for handling disagreements and for fighting fair, because even in the happiest marriages - fights happen and it's healthy to disagree - it means you are communicating and when you can disagree and fight fair - you will be managing your conflict in a healthy manner.

Fair Fighting Tips:

• Try to limit argument times - seriously, if you are learning how to fight fair - use an egg timer when the disagreement begins and to help avoid escalation - take a break when the timer goes off and revisit it later
• Don't accumulate a grab bag of complaints and issues to hit your partner with all at once - resolve the little issues or forgive them - to do otherwise is not fighting fair
• If your partner doesn't want to discuss or argue with you on a topic right in that moment, don't back them into a corner - ask to set a time in the next 24 to 48 hours when you can sit down and work it out together
• When you are disagreeing, it's usually over an issue or an incident - try to stick to the topic and don't throw old incidents or issues at your spouse during the course of that argument
• Stick to 'I' language and skip the accusatory 'yous'.
• Try holding hands when you fight - even when you are angry - it can remind you of the intimacy and closeness you share even in the midst of your agreement
• Learn to listen actively; fighting fair means hearing both sides of the argument whether you agree with it or not
• Don't fight to win, fight for the relationship not against it

What tips can you offer couples on fighting fair?

Related Articles:

Our Not So Irreconcilable Differences

Marriage Advice: Don't Go To Bed Angry

By Juno, Happily Ever After and Going Strong

Positive Tales of Marriage

Learn more about Heather Long

Heather Long is 35 years old and currently lives in Wylie, Texas. She has been a freelance writer for six years. Her husband and she met while working together at America Online over ten years ago.

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