Are you a Controlling Spouse?by Ariala | More from this Blogger 27 Dec 2005 05:58 PM Anyone who's been in a serious relationship understands the need for trust and the subtle balance between give and take. Sometimes, however, control issues crop up. A person feels insecure, threatened, jealous, and possessive, and all of a sudden, control issues surface. The person feeling all those negative emotions suffers as much, or more, than the person whom they challenge, or try to control. Even people who aren't usually controlling can struggle with a feeling of loss of control. This loss of control can be triggered by an internal emotional state or an external event that makes them feel the need to exert an unnatural power or control over their loved one. One of the most unattractive emotions a person can feel is jealousy. I say unattractive because of the types of behaviors that emerge out of jealousy, as well as the nasty attitudes and words that can surface. When a spouse gets jealous, he or she may say things they'll later regret. The green-eyed monster can really be viscous and actually cause a person's perceptions to be marred. When a person feels jealous, all forms of control and power plays are exerted. From making statements like, "I don't want you to ever talk to that guy again," to "If you love me, you won't go out with those friends of yours anymore!" The worst thing you can do is to put your spouse in a position of choosing between you and someone or something else. Even if they choose you, they will resent you for exerting control over them. Possessiveness is a sign of emotional immaturity. It can stem from childhood issues as well as past issues in bad relationships. The best way to deal with any control issues that surface in your life is to follow these five steps: 1. Practice a little detachment 2. Communicate the facts 3. Ask yourself how you would want to be treated if in your spouse's shoes? 4. Ask your spouse how he or she might feel if in your shoes 5. Tenderly and kindly ask your spouse to help you feel better about yourself though you know it's not their problem. It's important to note that though number five is on the list, the responsibility for your emotions are your own. Still, if your spouse knows you're feeling low or having self-doubts and self-esteem issues, they may be more sensitive to your needs during this time Relevantmarriage tags User Comments confusedandinlove (10) 11 Jun 2008 08:52 AMI need to know what to do. The other day my wife and I were discussing buying her a vehicle. She told me whe wanted something safe that gets good mileage so we researched some cars and found one that was affodable, got good mileage, and was listed by the NHTSB as one of the best. I, without her knowing it, went a test drove the car. I promptly called her and told her how nice it was and that I thought it would be a great care to purchase. At first she was pleased however as we continued to discuss our options she changed. She began to challenge the specs on the car. I attempted to explain that when I drove it, it felt safe and secure and wanted her to drive it. She agreed but because the dealership is about 30 miles from our home, this never happened. I noticed in the next few days that she was researching other vehicles, some much more expensive. When I queried about this she said that she wanted something bigger. Not wanting to box her in I agreed to look at what she had found. These other bigger vehicles did not get the good mileage and were significantly more money. I questioned her about budget and mileage and as to why she felt that bigger was better when the safety of the smaller vehicle was proven. This apparently was considered a controlling thing in her part and turned into more than a discussion. Finally, I told her that if she wanted to look at other vehicals taht was fine but to remember that we still need to be able to pay for it. I also told her that I didn't care which vehicle she picked but to keep in mind what we had talked about when the topic first came up. Over the next few days, things settled down until 2 days ago. I came home from work and was challenged over the specs of the car I had driven. I immediately told her that I didn't care about which car she wanted but reiterated taht we have to be able to pay for it. That's when all hell broke loose. Ultimately this turned into one of the worst fights that we have had. What was initally a discussion became a challenge on my reasonability and responsibility. I felt spited. She began yelling and I began defending my reasons. She got into my face (about an inch off of my nose) and was screaming as loud as she could. I reacted and pushed away from me and immediately retreated. From there accusations of abuse started and she said she was going to divorce me. We are still in the quiet stage after the fight and I have just kept my distance. What should I do? Ariala (5) 11 Jun 2008 09:03 AMWow, it sounds like the discussion escalated into a major war. If divorce is being talked about, this can't be the first time such confrontation has occurred. I would suggest apologizing, first and foremost, for your part in the misunderstanding. Next, I would say that together you find out how much the monthly payment will be and figure out if it's even in the budget. If all else fails, I would suggest getting help or asking her "What can I do differently to make our relationship better?" Approach her with a desire to make things work. Tell her you'll do your best to work things out and figure out a way to rationally agree on what you can or cannot afford. Good luck! confusedandinlove (10) 11 Jun 2008 11:44 AMJust to clarify, I immediately apologized and kept telling her that this had gotten out of control. After trying to speak with her multiple times that day and into the evening I gave up. I can't grovel for something that I really feel is both our fault. Besides, she started saying "that's how all abusers sound." How do you react to that? This is not the first time something like this has happened. Unfortunately, I have had to repair things in the house from previous outbursts - doors, cabinets, coffe cups nor is it the first time she has said she was going to leave. Most of our argruments help us grow because we can talk through it. I'll admit that I am not a saint but when I was threatened by her getting in my face and screaming I reacted by pushing her away. We are both the babies in our families and she agrees that she was spoiled by her "daddy." I tend to argue points and so does she but I'm wondering after 16 years of marriage how something like this can continue to occur. I have had others females friends suggest that this is a premenopausal thing. If this is the case, will it pass. The issue obviously is not the vehicle. I'm guessing that she felt I was trapping her into a decision and therefore I became the "controller." In contrast, she has always been the one to do the family budget and decide on the way of fixing minor family issues. I usually accept the decisions and follow lead. Discuss this article
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