Facing a Marriage Crisisby Courtney Mroch | More from this Blogger 08 May 2008 07:41 AM In a previous article I wrote about how alone I've felt lately. It's to the point where I'm asking, "What's the point of this relationship? Mostly he's good to me, yes --when he's available. And once in a while he does incredibly thoughtful things like how he did when he welcomed my mom. But the job is all-consuming anymore and he rarely has time for me. Not even when it's serious stuff like it has been with my mom. And I don't know if it really has to be that way, or if he's using work as an excuse to avoid our relationship." Sometimes it feels that way. Like when he took the job in Jacksonville last year and I had to once again stay behind to deal with selling the house. I felt he wasn't being understanding at all about the stress it caused me and was instead more concerned with having fun with his single friends. And here I am today, alone again, in the hospital wondering if pneumonia will finally get the best of my mom, if she's going to have another stroke, why she had the first one, if the cancer has now spread and we're in the very end stages, what's going to happen with all the insurance issues (because this hospital is apparently not in her network), and how I'm going to get through this all. Because even though it's been such a short time since she moved in, I can't imagine our home without her --or how lonely it's going to feel when she's gone. I need my husband more than I ever have in our marriage and he's nowhere to be found. I hate to say it, but me, the person who is well aware that true love doesn't equal perfect love and that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, is desperate for such truths not to be so. Because I fear I'm nearing a marriage crisis with the types of thoughts that have been swirling in my head lately. Such as how I hope Wayne agrees to counseling, because unless things change drastically and he becomes a lot more attentive, I'm running out of ideas for getting us back on track on my own. And unless we do, 22 years is out the window. Learn more about Courtney Mroch  Courtney Mroch is a wife, a proud pet parent, and a writer. She's been with her husband, high school sweetheart Wayne Pryor, over 20 years, married 11 of those. She's "mom" to Mr. Meow, a.k. Relevantmarriage tags User Comments  Jade Walker (964) 08 May 2008 09:03 AMYou're going through a rough time. Health issues, parental issues, loneliness. All of these things can make you feel overwhelmed. Which is why this "marriage crisis" may seem more dire than it is. Your support system is lacking, no doubt. And you two obviously need to find a time to talk at some point (calmly and rationally). Until then, however, I urge you to tap into your well of inner strength. It's there, Court. I know it is. Shore yourself up and do what you can. Deal with one (or two) problems at a time. The rest can wait. lkeefer (15) 08 May 2008 11:16 AMI divorced myself after over 23 years of marriage...things had not been right for awhile and it was time to let go...there comes a time in your life when you have to make a desicison that is best for you...We only had one child who is grown...on pretty much on his own...in college...I left out of the marriage with a little savings and enough from the sale of our house to buy another place. I bought something I could afford and paid it off so that it now mine, except for insurance and taxes...he was always out with his friends also and he did not like mine and we just grew apart...for me personally it was the best move I ever did standing up for myself...I now have a housemate who is waiting on her disablity to kick in...I pay the bills, and she keeps house, it works out good for us both..we figured that the older we got...we would keep each other company...and for the past year it has worked really well....People can give you all kinds of advise and mean well but there comes a time when you alone have to do what is best for you and yours....me and my ex still talk but there is no longer any issues...(of course I now live under my own set of rules...been there, done that...not interested in doing it again..)  Courtney Mroch (9169) 09 May 2008 05:45 AMThanks everyone for your comments, insights, but most of all support. If nothing else, all this overwhelmedness is igniting my Muse! (The other one, Jade. Although who knows what articles you'll find next to send on to spark me more!) Sherry Holetzky (11404) 12 May 2008 06:40 AMIf I can offer some friendly advice... I wouldn't make any life-altering decisions about your relationship right now, with so much going on. While you're clearly in pain and feeling neglected, a terrible place to be, it may well be that Wayne has issues of his own. He's sharing you with your mom and he too may be feeling neglected. On a rational level, he likely knows that she needs you more, but somewhere inside it still hurts not to be the center of your world... Hopefully, you guys can find some time to really communicate. It's hard when things are stressful, but that's usually when it's most needed. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, Courtney. (((hug))) Courtney Mroch (9169) 12 May 2008 07:16 AMThanks, Sherry, for the hugs and thoughts, but also the advice. Trying to keep a level head, hard as that is, and trying to understand where he's coming from. Maybe I haven't been doing that as much as I should. (Defnitely not like I was pre-Mom's arrival, admittedly.) And, funny, your advice sure mirrors that which was given in Trading Places. You are an empathetic soul, and that's a very good thing! Thanks again for your help. Sherry Holetzky (11404) 12 May 2008 07:44 AMI haven't read the book (but have read others and seen real life examples) and I firmly believe that empathy is a key component of any relationship. The problem is, we don't always know what the other person thinks or feels in order to empathize... That's where communication comes in. Unfortunately, the other person may not completely understand, or be able to express, what he (or she) is feeling. Especially when it's something like "jealousy" (for lack of a better word) over your time and attention to someone else who needs you. People feel guilty for having such feelings, since they know the other person needs you, but they don't know what to do with those feelings... Relationships are very demanding but also worth the effort. I wish you the best, Court. I hate that you're going through all this. Courtney Mroch (9169) 13 May 2008 11:43 AMSherry, you could have WROTE the book with all the wisdom you have. Your last comment just about sums up all the book covers. See why I look up to you? This is the proof: you are one darn smart cookie! Thanks for sharing. You made me realize that just as I'm expecting Wayne to be more empathetic to me, so do I need to do the same for him. Thank you. Sherry Holetzky (11404) 14 May 2008 06:37 AMOne book that really helped me was "For Better or for Best" by Gary Smalley. It's an older book, but excellent. It sounds like it has some similarities to the one you've been discussing (I believe I reviewed it here in the Marriage Blog, once upon a time...) I don't know that I'm terribly wise when it comes to relationships... I guess a good word would be "invested." I just hope that sharing what I've learned (and trust me, I still have a lot to learn) may help others, because I hate to see people hurting. Besides, it's always easier for those of us on the outside looking in to see a different perspective... Thank you for your kind words, Courtney. Too kind! (but don't stop, LOL). :) Courtney Mroch (9169) 14 May 2008 08:29 AMOooh! Thanks for the tip on the book, Sherry. Lyn mentioned one too I should try. Stocking my library! THANKS! JeffJ (5) 15 May 2008 11:06 PMHi Courtney, I'm sorry that you and your husband are having such a hard time right now. Honestly, I totally understand where you are at as my wife and I aren't doing so hot lately ourselves. But what I wanted to say to you is that no matter how lost you feel, and no matter how hopeless your situation might seem, there is always hope for your marriage. Look, sometimes husbands are just boneheads you know? We don't mean to be. In our hearts we want to be the Knight in shining armor, and always be there to meet every need that our "princess" has just at the perfect moment. What we want is for our wives to respect us, and look at us with admiration in their eyes. We want to think that our wives could never love another, even if it isn't true. I happen to know better. I know how to be a husband. My wife and I have a marriage ministry together, and have helped other couples get through things like this, and yet here we are going through our own mess. And you wanna know what started it? Work. Yup that's right. I worked too much and didn't take care of my first priority which was meeting my wife's needs. I'm sure she felt just like you feel now. I didn't mean to neglect her by any means. See what I thought was that I was doing my duty as a husband and I was all gung ho about providing financially for my family, and ended up forgetting that they needed more than just money. Now I've realized my mistakes and made some serious changes to make sure that I've got my priorities in order now, but my wife isn't sure she wants to do this whole marriage thing now. Ok, I know I'm running on, and I'm sorry, but what I want you to know is that your husband isn't meaning to be a dummy. He probably thinks that he's doing what he has to do to take care of you. He's loving you by trying to provide for you, or if it's not work, then he's just not getting it. Either way, I know he doesn't want to lose you, and if he really understood what his actions are doing to you - I mean if he knew what you were thinking about - I'll bet it would wake him up. If not, tell him to give me a call. I'll fill him in on what life is like for a man who refuses to listen to his wife's cries for help. Courtney Mroch (9169) 16 May 2008 06:07 AMWhat an amazing comment, JeffJ. Thank you so much for sharing all of this like you did. It was wonderful to hear a husband's perspective. I'm sorry it's because you have experience on the other end, though. (Although it helped to hear where your head and heart were at. I believe that's where my husband's is too.) I certainly hope things change for you. Maybe if you shared this link with your wife and let her read these words it would matter. I know if my husband took the time to leave what essentially amounts to a public love letter declaring his undying love and complete devotion for me it would wake me up to how true his heart was. LisaMonk (5) 22 Dec 2008 11:07 AMI need advice and wasn't sure where to turn until I found this blog. I thought my husband and an e-mail affair with a former co-worker. He denies it. But in all of his e-mails to her, he signs love you, miss you more then you'll ever know, thinking of you constantly........ it tore me apart when I read those. They taught together for 10 years and knew each other before. What do I do, where do I turn? I couldn't believe he'd write those endings if he didn't mean them. Help? Any advice Jade Walker (964) 23 Dec 2008 08:10 AMWhile your husband may or may not be having a sexual affair, he's certainly having an emotional one. The compulsion to check his e-mails means you felt a lack of trust in the relationship. His denial only confirms your feelings. If he's unwilling to be truthful and trustworthy, then your marriage is in serious trouble. People who refuse to tolerate adultery, even the emotional kind, will urge you to leave him (after all, you deserve someone who will love, honor and respect you). Those who believe in giving second chances will urge you both to go into marriage counseling immediately. Only you can decide which path to take. Neither option is easy, but the situation can no longer be ignored. Community Tags frustration, loneliness, marriage crisis Discuss this article
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