Am I a Ms. Or a Mrs.?

by Courtney Mroch | More from this Blogger

27 Feb 2007 12:06 PM

My husband and I have been married for almost twelve years. I kept my maiden name. Wayne didn't seem to care if I became Courtney Pryor or stayed Courtney Mroch, so I decided to stick with what I knew.

Some believe I did this because I'm a feminist. Not so. There's really only one good reason I never changed my last name: laziness. I didn't want to go through the hassle of contacting the credit cards companies, the bank, the Social Security office, et cetera.

Okay, I'll admit there have been times I questioned why I was the one expected to change my name. The only thing I could think of was that most men find it troublesome enough just to don a tux and show up on time for the wedding. Imagine if they were expected to change their names as well. No woman would ever get proposed to again. (Heck, some men have a hard enough time just getting around to the asking!)

Maybe I might have changed my name if we decided to have children. So far I've decided not to so there's still been no point.

Except, even though I'm married, kids or no, again and again I encounter a faction who feel I should be addressed as Ms. just because I haven't taken my husband's name.

In my mind, I'm a Mrs. Mrs. represents a married woman. I am that. But my husband argues that I'm a Ms. because I kept my maiden name. When he really wants to irritate me he will say something like, "Wouldn't you agree, Ms. Mroch?" putting an exorbitant amount of emphasis on the "Ms."

That, of course, will reheat the debate we've had our entire marriage about why can't he just get it through his head already that I'm a Mrs.

Recently, I ordered some things online. One site's billing name and address section had a required field for a person's title. There was one for Mr., Ms. and Mrs. I clicked Mrs., of course, because I knew at least a computer couldn't argue with me.

Except, then I got to wondering: Why is it women have a special designation once they get married, but men don't? They stay "Mr." from the time they're old enough to be addressed as such, through marriage (or bachelorhood if they so opt), until the day they're widowed, divorced, or die. (Whereas women normally revert back to Ms. if they're divorced or widowed, or age into Ms. if they never get married.)

Sure titles still serve a function in our society. In professional situations there's something to be said for having a means of formally addressing a colleague. Except, why does it not only have to be gender specific but matrimonially related as well? Doctors garner the distinction of "Dr." regardless of gender, as do senators. (However, perhaps if someone figured out a way to feminize that distinction they would, as female congressmen are often addressed as "congresswomen.")

Most women I talk to, especially the ones who are married with children, want the Mrs. designation. Why? Is it that important that we be distinguished from our single sisters?

And why is being called Mrs. so important to me? Subconsciously, is having a husband and letting the world know about it via my title playing into my advocacy? After all, like it or not, marriage is still the end all and be all many women are taught to strive for.

But now I've started to think about it in a new light. I think it's time for a change.

Men can go through their whole lives as Mr., so why can't women simply be addressed as Ms., regardless of marital status? And throw out the "Miss" altogether, since that fuels the ever present age-sensitive fire. (Again, men aren't reminded they are "mature" so why should women?)

A bit on the old fashioned side but perhaps ready to be reinvented is "Madam" (abbreviated Mdm.). I can see how that designation might have offended some in decades past, as "madam" tended to refer to a woman of shady means, or, on the other spectrum, a matronly older woman, but such concerns shouldn't plague us now.

Or perhaps a new designation should be created for married men? (I'm not one to raise a gripe without offering a solution, but this is potentially problematic.)

There's always Mm., for "Married Man" but no way to pronounce it as smoothly as "Mister." Addressing married men as "Master" also came to mind, except why risk messing with their egos?

Maybe it would just be easier if they became the Mrs. --to denote Mr. plus one. Works for me. (But something tells me I'd have an easier time adjusting to Madam Mroch than my husband would to becoming Mrs. Pryor.)

"Courtney Mroch is a Pets Blogger. Read more of her blogs here.

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Courtney Mroch is a wife, a proud pet parent, and a writer. She's been with her husband, high school sweetheart Wayne Pryor, over 20 years, married 11 of those. She's "mom" to Mr. Meow, a.k.

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Sherry Holetzky (11404) 28 Feb 2007 06:40 AM

Interesting read! Thanks for sharing Courtney.

I don't think my husband would do "Mrs." either, LOL.

Lisa P (24013) 28 Feb 2007 07:37 AM

I've been round and round on this one... ;-)

I actually kept my maiden name until we had our son. Then I felt it would be better for him and easier for his teachers if he and both his parents had the same last name. As for "Mrs", I prefer it. I always get the feeling that "Ms" assumes I'm not proud ofg my partnership with my husband. But that's me.

As for "Congresswoman", I hate that! Nobody calls a female Senator "Senatress". And how about "Chairman"? There is no such word as Chairwoman! The Chair is the Chairman, just like the Postmaster IS Postmaster, regardless of gender.

Very interesting read.

Courtney Mroch (9169) 28 Feb 2007 03:27 PM

Thanks ladies!

I enjoyed your comments. And even though we don't have humans kids (I always told Wayne I'd switch if we had some), we have pets that I treat like our kids. Sometimes when he's feeling particularly ornery, Wayne will tease me I should change my name for their sake... Oy vay!

y2vonne (10) 04 Mar 2007 11:38 AM

Courtney, first...GREAT post! I love this topic. And, men used to be known as 'master' before the age of majority. In other words, young boys were "Master Jones" or "Master Sinclair"... to denote their age. Somewhere along the way, that got dropped. For us ladies... the Ms was added in the 60s as a result of the feminists of the day wanting to be addressed as women, but not wanting to allow the speaker to know their marital status, because...what difference did it make?

So...the titles we give each other are reflective of the society we live in. And, since women are still looked down upon if they don't marry (and have kids)... the Ms., Mrs. or Miss labels continue to apply. I prefer Mom, btw. And, that includes being Mom to my kitty and my dog, thank you very much!

To the issue of changing your last name...here's a question: do you recognize that the surname you 'kept' belongs to a man, not to you? It was your father's name. So, is your father more important than your husband? If you want a name that's truly yours, go ahead and get one. And have it legally changed in court. Otherwise, accept that the name you're using is from the dominant male member of your birth family - and now, you should choose a new name for yourself, or give the same respect to your husband that you gave your Dad, all these years. I'm divorced and I kept my ex-husband's name... just in case I ever get arrested. ;-)

Julie Gentry (5915) 04 Mar 2007 02:03 PM

My students are still Master Smith and Miss Jones; it hasn't been dropped altogether ;-). Ms. is offensive to me. It carries with it an attitude with which I don't want to be associated. When I married, I left my parents and became part of my husband's family; that's why I took his name. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Courtney Mroch (9169) 06 Mar 2007 11:47 AM

Y2vonne and Julie....GREAT comments.

Y2vonne: I didn't even know the history of how "Ms." came to be, so thanks for all of that! I found that extraordinarily interesting. And I never even considered where my last name came from (dad), I just knew it was the one I was born with and didn't want to part with. You brought up yet another layer of this cake! Not to mention the mom thing... I kind of like that. Mom X or Mama So and So... Hmm, something else to consider... (And your parting comment about keeping your ex's name ...HAHAHAHAHA!)

Julie: I love your devotion to your husband and his family and found it interesting how you refer to your students. Talk about old school! =) But I think that's nice. When we moved to the south, we found many parents who instructed their kids to call us Miss Courtney and Mr. Wayne and I thought it was cute. (I was brought up to address adults as Mr. and Mrs. Lastname, but that's rare, rare, rare these days...) But the respect conveyed in the other way is refreshing. Except I became known as Miss Murphy (our dog's name) by a little girl in our old neighborhood and anymore that has kind of stuck too...

Thanks for the great comments girls!

Julie Gentry (5915) 07 Mar 2007 03:18 AM

LOL about the dog! I do think that maybe you're right and it depends upon the area. When we moved to the Northwest from CA, I was surprised at how many children called me by my first name. I corrected them. :-D My 8 year old neighbor, however, delights in addressing me without a title. Stinker!